Count Chocula, the best cereal on the planet, might not have the best mascot after all…
This has nothing to do with anything on this website. In fact, people have been ranking cereals for quite some time now. They are all wrong, of course, but I’m not here to get into that. I’m here to answer the question of which cereal box mascot would win in a fight, like a royal rumble or giant steel cage match in which only one can survive. I was listening to a Giant Bombcast a while back and it came up, like if there was a fighting game, who would the roster be, so I made this. A fighting game tier chart but, y’know, for cereal mascots.
The criteria is thus: how ruthless a killer you are, how good the cereal is, and how dumb their name is. That is about it. If you do not have a name, then you are bad and should feel bad.
F TIER — WOULD GET BODIED IMMEDIATELY
- Dig’em Frog from Honey Smacks:
He has a backwards baseball cap. He has attitude! He would be the first to die in the ring, he would be stepped on and forgotten about, just like his awful cereal.
- The mutated waffle from Waffle Crisps:
Someone put it out of its misery, it’s clearly the bi-product of a corporate lab experiment gone horribly awry. Waffle human transfusion is a crime against humanity.
- The two guys who ride bikes on the Grape-Nuts box:
They seem to be having a lovely time. They would get pushed off the bikes and beaten to death with them, the helmets would not help much either.
- The Cornflakes Rooster:
He has a crazy look in his eye, but really this thing would walk around the arena and be kicked once, and fall over and die.
- The creature from Frosted Mini-Wheats:
What is that thing? Is it sentient? Does it have a gender? Someone would eat it for energy, I’m assuming.
D TIER — WOULD GET BODIED SOON THERE AFTER
- CinnaMon and Bad Apple, from Apple Jacks:
Offensive pun aside, these two wouldn’t be the first to go, but would not fight because they’re probably stoned out of their minds. Someone has smoked weed from that apple guy FOR SURE, and the cinnamon dude looks like a blunt. Man that is racist the more I think about it, despite how god tier Apple Jacks is as a cereal.
- Toucan Sam and his children from Froot Loops:
Another amazing cereal I love, and another animal mascot that is not big or strong enough to put up a fight. Sure, fly around, until you get hit with something and just hit the ground for good. Sorry Sam, you were a family man.
- Tricks, the Trix rabbit:
Pro: he is bigger than human children, so the size advantage and shock factor could come in handy.
Con: he is consistently outsmarted by children. He is a giant wussy and can’t do anything right, that clumsy dumb fuck. He is too stupid to win anything, let alone a bowl of mediocre cereal.
- Sonny the Cuckoo Bird, who is cuckoo for Cocoa Puffs:
He is clearly an addict, and would go into relapse without his puffs. He would keel over and OD, no chance at all. Also Cocoa Puffs are bad and if you eat them you should feel bad.
C TIER — WOULD NOT SUCK, WOULD NOT WIN EITHER
- Chef Wendell, of Cinnamon Toast Crunch fame:
He seems like he knows how to raise the fists and tussle, but he is too old, doesn’t have the height advantage, and if he loses his glasses he is done for. The chaos would be too much for him, and he will die a hero. Toast Crunch is mad good.
- Snap, Crackle, Pop from Rice Krispies:
Here are the questions I have for these three; do they know magic? Can they cast spells? Would they ever turn on each other when things got bad? They are brothers, so I doubt it. Being a gnome/elf hybrid means they’re really small, so they might be frisky but would not beat anyone tiered above C.
- Chip the Cookie Crisp wolf/dog from Cookie Crisp:
He used to be a dog, and now he’s a wolf. Is Chip a shapeshifter? A werewolf? An animorph? What is his nature? Can he be a cold blooded killer? Maybe get in some claw swipes, take out a few birds flying around the pit, but I don’t know if a dog can win.
- Lucky the Leprechaun, from Lucky Charms:
He is another mage, or conjurer, or wizard who can use magic to make it last a while. But I think he just summons cereal and rainbows, and not like lightning bolts or anything cool, or useful. So he’s another tiny non-human who would just be overpowered halfway through the fight.
B TIER — PUNCHER’S CHANCE
- Fred Flintstone and Barney Rubble, from Cocoa Pebbles:
First of all, Cocoa Pebbles is one of the best cereals ever, and Fruity Pebbles are trash. Now that we got that out of the way, Fred and Barney would take out the other animals and creatures extremely well, but do not have the wit or ingenuity to withstand modern combat or technology. They only use primitive tools, and Bamm-Bamm is not walking through that door to help them.
- Buzz, the Cheerios bee:
He could kill one person. And himself in the process. Not a bad way to go out.
- Captain Crunch:
An 18th century naval captain, the Captain has had many a year of navigating the open waters, fist fighting on the seas of the world, and learning the harsh cruel nature of life. His actual name is Horatio Magellan Crunch, which means he knows a thing or two, since he’s named after a pretty smart fellow. But he’s not as young and spry as he used to be, and the roof of his mouth is probably all cut up from eating his cereal on his ship.
- The Quaker from Quaker Oats:
Why are all of these people so old? They’re from some really fucked up eras in history, which means you gotta be the best of the best to survive until you’re elderly. But as a man of peace, the Quaker guy would have to just concede and welcome the sweet embrace of death, after he realizes that god is dead, and is not in every soul like he was taught all his life.
- Sugar Bear from Golden Crisp:
He’s a fucking bear. With a shirt on. He wears human clothes, probably from his victims. Standing on hind legs, bears are gigantic, and he could take out a few people before going down, because Golden Crisp is disgusting and that bear has had too much shitty cereal to have the conditioning needed to survive.
A TIER — THE CREAM OF THE CROP
- Boo Berry:
Now we get to the real contenders. Booberry is a fucking ghost. How the fuck do you stop that? For one thing, Boo looks like he was a teenager who killed himself, so he may be inexperienced interacting with other people, especially ones that try to kill you. Also, I’m not sure how he would actually defeat people, outside of using the devil’s blood magic to possess or summon wraiths and specters. Really it comes down to if he can scare people to death, and if he goes back to hell after his cereal stops being sold in November.
- Franken Berry:
Frank here is maybe the biggest competitor, and has the brute strength and raw killing potential to go the distance. But, he could fall apart, and come away at the seams, so you know where the weaknesses are; in the pipes shooting out of his head. Just twist and snap off, and he is decapitated.
- Count Alfred Chocula:
Count Chocula, the best cereal known to man, is a vampire. He would get to feed off of almost all of the combatants listed here, because they all have the blood he seeks, the fuel he craves. But, as we all know, vampires are not immortal, and so you could take on his frail figure and take him out if you know what you’re doing.
- Tony the Tiger, Frosted Flakes:
Tony is a fucking tiger. Nature’s killing machine, he is born to murder and maul. He’s huge, fit, excises, and is primed for carnage. He even has a bib for the gore! But would the best animal on this list defeat the best human, or supernatural creature? I doubt it, but I would not want to fuck with Tony.
- Sunny the Sun, from Raisin Bran:
Is he the sun? Like, the actual sun? Our sun? Or another sun? He is small? Big? How close to becoming a star is he? Can he explode soon? Implode? He is burning out? Would he drop his two scoops, or use them? Can he burn people to death? Well, I cannot say for sure, but he seems highly volatile, and Raisin Bran is gross and not worth eating. Fuck that shit.
- Any athlete from Wheaties:
Take your pick; Jerry Rice, Jesse Owens, Bob Cousy, Bart Starr, Carl Lewis, Pete Rose, Walter Payton, Jim Kelly, Michael Jordan, the Detroit Pistons, Horace Grant, Babe Ruth, Larry Bird, John Elway, Cal Ripken Jr., Dan Marino, Jackie Robinson, Steve Young, Troy Aikman, Mean Joe Greene, Terrell Davis, Brett Farve, Mark McGwire, Stone Cold Steve Austin, Arnold Palmer, Joe Torre, Muhammad Ali, Hank Aaron, Kevin Garnett, Wayne Gretzky, Peyton Manning, Pedro Martinez, David Ortiz, David Robinson, Michael Phelps, Michael Vick, Dr. J, Doug Flutie, Bill Russell, Lindsey Vonn, Willis Reed, Aaron Rodgers, Stephen Curry, Kareem Abdul-Jabbar, Marcus Allen, Wilt Chamberlin, Walt Frazier, Marshall Faulk, Magic Johnson, Scottie Pippen, Rod Woodson, or Nolan Ryan.
Not Lou Gehrig though, he was the first guy on the box. Yeah, that would not work out well.
S TIER — BET YOUR MONEY ON HIM
- Mr. T
I pity the fool who picks against him. I dare you, fucker. I fucking dare you. Do it. You won’t. He would beat any sucker dumb enough to get in the ring with him.