I’ve been writing most anticipated lists for quite a while now on the internet, and usually when I do so, I choose to structure the piece by selecting an equal number of films to the year that I am writing about. So if the year was 2013, I would choose 13 films for the list—14 for 2014, 15 for 2015, etc. Well, now we are in the year of Our Lord 2018, and quickly this is becoming an overwhelming enterprising. The number keeps going up, and I know that eventually there has to be a breaking point. If I keep this going all the way until 2027, for instance, am I going to really choose 27 anticipated movies to put on the list? Someday, I’m really going to have put a stop to this expansion.
…But today is not that day! A new year means a new set of films to look forward to, which means yet another list arbitrarily ranking my anticipation for them! At first, I was a bit worried that I wouldn’t be able to find 18 films to fill out the entire thing, but as always, the number of releases in the forthcoming year that have a lot of potential vastly outway the ones I can actually include on the list. My working list had like, thirty at the end of the day. Maybe I’m capable of doing the “27 Films To Look Forward To In 2027” list after all!
In any case, here’s the 18 films worth looking forward to in 2018. As always, there’s one major stipulation: all the films on this list had to have an official, confirmed release date — which means a lot of smaller indies that we suspect will be released in 2017, but have no actual plan in place for their distribution, have to get the shaft. Sorry smaller films — I have to find a way to cull the list somehow. But even if pretty much all of these are studio joints, there’s still plenty of variety amongst the selections. Take my #18, for instance…
18. Sicario 2: Soldado
Release: June 29, 2018
When Sicario 2 was first announced, I was filled with nothing but apprehension and confusion surrounding its mere existence. Why the hell does the world need a follow-up to a gritty, depressing thriller about the pressures of life of law enforcement on the border? Especially one without so many elements that made the first film great–namely, director Denis Villeneuve, cinematographer Roger Deakins, and main star Emily Blunt. It seemed like Sicario 2 was destined for the “forgettable sequel” bin right from the get-go. And, for what it’s worth, Siciario 2 could very well wind up in that bin anyways. That being said, the first trailer for the film was actually pretty great, and the involvement of writer Taylor Sheridan (whose three-for-three after Sicario, Hell or High Water, and Wind River) has me hoping that there’s actual artistic merit to this follow-up. The plot synopsis raises my eyebrows a bit on that regard (MEXICANS BE SMUGGLIN’ TERRORISTS ACROSS THE BORDER), but I can only hope that the actual film will be just as fascinating–and enthralling–as its predecessor.
17. Paddington 2
Release: January 12
FUCK YEAH Y’ALL, PADDINGTON 2! IT’S THE RETURN OF THE FUCKING MARMALADE EATING, HAT BRANDISHING, JACKET WEARING BEAR MOTHERFUCKER! HELL FUCKING YEAH.
MOTHER. FUCKING. PADDINGTON. TWO.
16. The Happytime Murders
Release: August 17
I have been looking forward to The Happytime Murders for what feels like over a decade…because, apparently, it has been over a decade. This is one of those projects that has an incredibly promising concept (R-rated puppet noir in the vein of Who Framed Roger Rabbit?), but just can’t seem to pick up enough steam to actually be put into production. But finally, after ten years of struggles from director Brian Henson (son of Jim Henson himself,) The Happytime Murders is a 100% real project that will likely be hitting theater screens in the next few months. I guess that’s the power of getting a big-time star involved…who, in this case, happens to be Melissa McCarthy. She wouldn’t be my first choice for the lead of a puppet comedy noir, but she can be extremely funny when given great material to work off of, so I can only hope The Happytime Murders will lean more towards Spy than it does Identity Thief. With a concept this high, the potential for failure is huge…but even just on the promise of seeing this thing actually hitting theaters, I’m very much looking forward to the film’s late Summer release.
15. Mission: Impossible 6
Release: July 27
Despite everything that would seem to be set against it, the Mission: Impossible series has been going on for nearly twenty years, and through six separate entries. And here’s the craziest thing of all: the past couple installments haven’t been worse than the first few. Heck, the series just keeps getting better and better every time, if you ask me. At this point, I’m certain the franchise as it stands is destined to have a comedown of some sort…but since that has yet to happen, I am as psyched as ever for Mission: Impossible 6. Returning writer/director Christopher McQuarrie did fantastic work on Mission: Impossible–Rogue Nation, and though it will be a little strange for a director to come back and do another Mission: Impossible (a series first), I’m interested to see if this series can wow us once again. I’ve learned plenty of time never to underestimate its potential, that’s for sure.
14. Black Panther
Release: February 16
There’s obviously a far bigger-ticket Marvel Studios’ film in the pipeline for 2018 (don’t worry, we’ll get there), but that doesn’t mean you should sleep on Black Panther. Everything we’ve seen from the project has been extremely cool, and director Ryan Coogler has the talent to really make this something special (he absolutely knocked my socks off with his last film, Creed.) To see Marvel give him the reigns to what looks to be a crazy ass Black Panther movie is extremely gratifying. Add in a crazy good cast of almost entirely black actors (Andy Serkis and Martin Freeman withstanding), and you have the makings of what should be another great Marvel origin movie. By design it likely won’t be the standout for Marvel in 2018, but it can still be one hell of a delicious, early-in-the-year appetizer for what is to come.
13. The Predator
Release: August 3
Shane Black is making a goddamn Predator movie. That alone, really, should be enough to justify the film’s inclusion on this list. And, since I still have 12 more films to get through on this list…it will be.
Release: February 23
I think Alex Garland impressed us all collectively with his directorial debut, 2014’s Ex Machina, which alone would make his follow-up worth getting invested in. But apparently, the source material for Annihilation, the novel by Jeff Vandermeer, is pretty great, and perfect for an accomplished writer/director like Garland to adapt. Add in an EXCELLENT cast of primarily female performers ( led by Natalie Portman, Tessa Thompson, Jennifer Jason Leigh, and Gina Rodriguez, with a masculine dash of Oscar Isaac as the cherry on top), and Annihilation could end up being the very best science fiction film of 2018. And, to be honest, the behind-the-scenes drama only makes the entire enterprise MORE enticing. A science fiction film that tested poorly because it was too complicated for general audiences, and because it has an unsympathetic lead character? CONSIDER ME SOLD.
11. The Kid Who Would Be King
Release: September 28
We haven’t seen ANYTHING from The Kid Who Would Be King, which for some reason for a lot of films that made my list this year, is actually the norm. But my excitement for the project can be linked pretty directly to the man in charge of it: Joe Cornish, who absolutely blew me away with his directorial debut Attack the Block, and has since vanished for nearly seven years. Cornish is now back behind the camera though with this original adventure fantasy film, which tells the story of “A band of kids embarking on an epic quest to thwart a medieval menace.” Vague, yes, but nonetheless enticing. Plus, Patrick Stewart. Everything’s a little bit better with a helping of Patrick Stewart.
10. Bad Times At The El Royale
Release: October 5
Speaking of secretive follow-ups to great movies from first-time directors…you probably haven’t heard about Bad Times At The El Royale. To be quite honest, I hadn’t really either, at least not until I started doing research for this list. But though there’s not a lot to work with when it comes to El Royale (“The film is set in the 1960s in a dilapidated hotel in the Lake Tahoe region in California,” says the brief IMDB plot summary), it seems that secrecy is very much the intent with this one. In fact, the Fox executives who bought the script weren’t even given paper copies of it — they had to read the thing on an iPad, and give it back afterwards. That makes me think some crazy shit is actually going on in this movie, only reinforced by my main point of excitement for the film: it’s being written and directed by Drew Goddard, who is no stranger to writing mysterious things (he wrote Cloverfield, and was a writer on Lost, after all.) And the last time he both wrote and directed a film, we got Cabin in the Woods, a genre-bending meta exercise that was also, like, the best. Will Bad Times at the El Royale (which is being fronted by the intriguing pair of Chris Hemsworth and Jeff Bridges) be able to measure up? All I know is that I’m incredibly eager to find out.
9. Spider-Man: Into the Spider-Verse
Release: December 14
I was incredibly skeptical of Sony making an Animated Spider-Man movie at the same time they were developing a whole new live-action trilogy for the character…but then they got Phil Lord and Chris Miller on board. That pair has yet to let me down, and seeing them put their stamp on my favorite superhero filled me with excitement. Then the first trailer for the movie was released last month, and my anticipation only skyrocketed further. This movie has the potential to be really great, even if getting an animated Spider-Man movie, big budget Spider-Man videogame, and an appearance from the character in Avengers: Infinity War all in the span of eight months seems to tilt the property to the point of oversaturation. But if any character can survive being overused in popular culture, it’s certainly Spider-Man, right?
8. First Man
Release: October 12
After Whiplash and La La Land (two films I both loved to almost equal measure), I’m fully in on the directing career of Damien Chazelle. First Man represents a bit of a different project for him (being a biopic about Neil Armstrong, I doubt it will include much in the realm of music or singing…probably), but I have to imagine there was something about the script that led Chazelle to attaching himself to the project. With Spotlight’s Josh Singer credited for the most recent version, hopefully there will be more to this project than just a simple biopic. And even if not…Astronaut Ryan Gosling? Sure, why not!
7. Deadpool 2
Release: June 1
I really, really liked 2016’s Deadpool, very close to the point of loving it. But as super fun and watchable as the original Deadpool was, I still feel like the film didn’t quite practice what it preached. Deadpool wanted to be an unconventional, strange, and abrasive superhero film, and occasionally was that. But beneath all that was a surprisingly standard superhero origin story, one that failed to be as subversive as what you would expect from a “true” film starring the Merc With A Mouth. However, my reservations about the first film are a feature for Deadpool 2, not a bug. I really believe that the original told a necessary story to get people sold on the concept, and cut certain corners that could be deemed too weird to attract general audiences. But with Deadpool being a bonefide smash, and the business of telling the character’s origins out of the way, I’m hoping the sequel will be given a lot more room to play around with, and truly embrace its weird-ass self. The bonkers teaser trailer for the film is certainly leaning in the right direction, and I can only hope the finished product will be a nutty, vulgar, and fun time at the theater. Deadpool set a strong foundation, and I am eager to see what Deadpool 2 (if it ultimately goes by that title) will do to build upon it. At the very least, having John Wick and Atomic Blonde director David Leitch on board should provide for some absolutely kickass action scenes, right?
6. Isle of Dogs
Release: March 23
Wes Anderson has created a lot of really great movies (and The Darjeeling Limited) in his over two decades of filmmaking, to the point it’s really hard to say which one is really his best. Is it one of his earlier works like The Royal Tenenbaums? Something newer like The Grand Budapest Hotel? Something, umm, weird like The Life Aquatic? I don’t even know for sure, but I know one thing: by far his FUNNEST film is Fantastic Mr. Fox. A wonderfully realized, incredibly funny piece of stop-motion greatness, Fantastic Mr. Fox is just a delightful little movie everytime I see it. From the initial trailer, it seems like Anderson’s return to the world of stop motion will be a bit more on the serious side (as serious as a Wes Anderson joint can get, I guess), but that doesn’t make his return to the format any less exciting. In fact, I’m super eager to see what Anderson will do with the wide canvas that animation allows him in bringing an original work to life. And with a cast of seemingly everyone in the world (Frances McDormand, Bill Murray, Greta Gerwig, Scarlett Johannson, Bryan Cranston, Jeff Goldblum, Edward Norton, Harvey Keitel, F. Murray Abraham, Courtney B. Vance, Ken Watanabe, Tilda Swinton, Bob Balaban…good lord, it’s endless), the project certainly isn’t lacking in star power. Plus, DOGGIES! STOP MOTION DOGGIES! What do you need, a roadmap?!
Release: November 16
My Top 5 most anticipated films are regretfully light on original fare, which means including this film on it should in and of itself show how much I’m looking forward to Widows. The first film from Steven McQueen since his Oscar winning 12 Years A Slave (which, jeez, came out almost five years ago), Widows also boast a script by Gone Girl author Gillian Flynn, which makes for one hell of a critically acclaimed pair here. Widows also has a really fresh premise, as a heist film starring the widows of a bunch of dead criminals puts a nice contemporary spin on the age-old bank robbery flick. And though many films on this list feature great casts, I would argue Widows could go toe-to-toe with any of them. Viola Davis, Jon Bernthal, Liam Neeson, Colin Farrell, Daniel Kaluuya, Jacki Weaver, Robert Duvall, and of course, Carrie Motherfucking Coon. Consider me very much on board for this.
4. Ralph Breaks The Internet: Wreck-It Ralph 2
Release: November 21
Wreck-It Ralph 2 has me just based on the quality of the first film, which remains one of my favorite Disney Animated films in the modern age. As a gamer, the concept is pure catnip to me, and even putting aside all the fun little in-jokes and witty references, there was a really sweet message and relationship at the center of Wreck-It Ralph that really made it sing. I don’t know if the sequel will have quite the same emotional impact, but at least conceptually, it’s just as enticing as the original. Taking the Wreck-It Ralph characters and throwing them into the world of the internet is a genius concept for a sequel and, from what we’ve heard about the film so far, it’s only going to get more and more hilariously meta in its storytelling. With returning writers/directors Rich Moore and Phil Johnston once again at the helm, I say bring it on. I’ve been game for more of this franchise ever since the final shot of the first one. And yes, that was a pun. You may stop reading this now.
Release: Sometime in 2017
Speaking of films I’ve been waiting a while for, let’s talk Duncan Jones’ Mute. The long-promised spiritual sequel to Jones’ brilliant sci-fi debut, Moon, Mute was originally supposed to be released in 2017, until Netflix rather silently pushed it into 2017. And while the film still doesn’t have a release date at this point, I’m making a slight exception and including it on this list, because A) it’s already completely done, so I have no idea why Netflix would push it any further and B) it sounds SO AWESOME, guys. Jones tackling a Blade Runner esque future noir is 100% my cup of tea, and with folks like Paul Rudd and Justin Theroux playing characters by the name of “Cactus Bill” and “Duck Teddington,” respectively, this movie could end up being a masterpiece. At the very least, it might be the type of brilliance that puts Netflix’s original movies on the map…after all, Bright sure as hell didn’t.
2. Avengers: Infinity War
Release: May 4
In this list, I have tried my best to provide a variety to the overall selections, doing my darndest not to over-saturate things with just superhero films. But, ultimately, the heart wants what the heart wants…and my heart very much wants Avengers: Infinity War. Even with the slightly underwhelming teaser trailer, I am completely psyched for what is unequivocally Marvel’s most ambitious movie yet, seemingly cramming in everything to ever happen in the grander MCU, and finding a way to make it work between two huge blockbuster films. We’ve been building up to this moment for literally a decade and, at this point, it’s hard not to buy into the hype that such a build-up very much warrants. The Russo Brothers knocked my socks off twice with The Winter Soldier and Civil War, and it will be one hell of a disappointment if they fail to do it once again with Avengers: Infinity War. But I trust those two. I trust Marvel. I really feel this one is going to deliver.
1. Incredibles 2
Release: June 15
But, as always, there can only be one. And in this particular case, this one was pretty much pre-ordained from the moment it was announced, a long, long, long ten years after its predecessor was first released. But the years have only improved the strengths of The Incredibles in my mind, and made the wait for a follow-up all the more unbearable. At this point, I don’t need much of anything else to increase my anticipation: I just want to see more from this world, and these characters, and from writer/director Brad Bird. Barring Tomorrowland (which, like most of America, I try my best just not to think about), Brad has yet to really let me down, and considering how long he waited until returning to this series, I’m hoping he found the perfect story for our superhero family to get wrapped up in.
Regardless, I absolutely can not wait. After all, I already did my waiting. 13 years of it.
IN AZKABAN PRISON Writing endless articles on the internet! I NEED this movie, you guys. And, more importantly, I need it to be great. Ball is in your court, Pixar. Good luck — we’re all counting on you.
And there you have it, the 18 films I believe are worth looking forward to in 2018. Think I missed any particularly egregious ones? Well…sorry? Go complain about it on Twitter.
Also published on Medium.
James Gunn Fired From Guardians of the Galaxy Vol. 3 Over Offensive Tweets…And Fuck If I Know How To Feel About It
Is it the right thing? Is it the wrong thing? Does it even matter? Who the fuck knows.
Ever since Weinstein (or longer, really, with the Film Twitter outing of people like Devin Faraci and Harry Knowles feeling like the true kick-off in my mind,) I’ve become accustomed to seeing people I admire be suddenly and without much warning outed as bad people, and dropped like a hot potato from Hollywood at large. For a while there, it almost became something of a daily ritual: wake up, take a shit, find out someone I love is shit, put out a shitty response on a shitty certain network (you know the one), and continue with my day. It might hurt for a while, but ultimately I’ve viewed this entire #MeToo thing as a necessary pain for both the industry and our culture: bad people being outed and shamed for doing bad things, from Louis C.K. to Roseanne, was a necessary step in the betterment of our society. Even if things debatably went “too far,” (which I would argue was rarer than the alternative), I was pretty resolute in my opinion that everything going on was “right.”
I still feel this way, in regards to #MeToo. But today’s piece of Hollywood shaming is not about #MeToo, at least not directly. This isn’t an example of a person mentally or physically abusing someone, and getting away with it for years. Nor is it an example of a person saying something offensive or reprehensible, and facing swift punishment for it. No, James Gunn getting fired from Guardians of the Galaxy Vol. 3 comes in the form of tweets….really bad tweets…from over a decade ago.
The background, just in case you need it: James Gunn has been the writer/director of the Guardians of the Galaxy franchise thus far, a task he has handled with aplomb. They are critical hits, audience hits, and box office hits. And perhaps more than any other current MCU series (give or take a Thor: Ragnarok), Gunn’s unique voice is clear throughout both films, in the musical choices (all his) to the jokes and gags (mostly his.) He puts one hell of a unique stamp on the MCU, and even if the Guardians movies aren’t my absolute favorite of the franchise overall (hint: you can see where they both rank here), they are dependably great in large part because of him. So regardless of the reasons for his firing, this would be a damn shame, and a massive blow to the future of the MCU post Avengers 4.
But the circumstances of his firing turn things into, frankly, a clusterfuck of political and ethical and moral quandaries that I’m far figuring out my exact position on. I will make one thing completely clear though: the tweets in question that lead to Gunn’s firing are UNACCEPTABLE. They are in incredibly poor taste, stink of someone trying way too hard to be “edgy” (one of my least favorite character traits in a person, really), and are not even the slightest bit funny. Even just putting the morality of the tweets aside, everything about the ethos behind the tweets represents someone I would never want to encounter, nor want to support. Not just because the subject matter is bad, but because the sentiment behind it (SHOCKING and IN YOUR FACE and NOT AFRAID TO GO THERE humor) is so unbearable.
All that being said…this is a lot more complicated than simply being about bad tweets. The timetable for one is important, as pretty much all the tweets are from nearly a decade ago, and Gunn hasn’t exhibited the same penchant for that type of “humor” in the years since joining Disney and Marvel. Gunn also seems to be expressing remorse about the jokes, lauching a Twitter thread owning the horrid nature of the jokes, while still trying to explain how he has moved forward as a person and changed in the years since making them:
2. It’s not to say I’m better, but I am very, very different than I was a few years ago; today I try to root my work in love and connection and less in anger. My days saying something just because it’s shocking and trying to get a reaction are over.
— James Gunn (@JamesGunn) July 20, 2018
4. For the record, when I made these shocking jokes, I wasn’t living them out. I know this is a weird statement to make, and seems obvious, but, still, here I am, saying it.
— James Gunn (@JamesGunn) July 20, 2018
5. Anyway, that’s the completely honest truth: I used to make a lot of offensive jokes. I don’t anymore. I don’t blame my past self for this, but I like myself more and feel like a more full human being and creator today. Love you to you all.
— James Gunn (@JamesGunn) July 20, 2018
He was equally as remorseful in a written statement he released following Disney’s official decision to cut ties with him:
My words of nearly a decade ago were, at the time, totally failed and unfortunate efforts to be provocative. I have regretted them for many years since — not just because they were stupid, not at all funny, wildly insensitive, and certainly not provocative like I had hoped, but also because they don’t reflect the person I am today or have been for some time.”
“Regardless of how much time has passed, I understand and accept the business decisions taken today. Even these many years later, I take full responsibility for the way I conducted myself then. All I can do now, beyond offering my sincere and heartfelt regret, is to be the best human being I can be: accepting, understanding, committed to equality, and far more thoughtful about my public statements and my obligations to our public discourse. To everyone inside my industry and beyond, I again offer my deepest apologies. Love to all.”
So yeah: the tweets were bad then, are bad now, and everybody involved is aware of this. But is Gunn’s stupid jokes from a decade ago enough to take everything away from him? Furthermore, the tweets were a matter of pubic record for years: did Disney really not search Gunn’s history to see examples of his past public behavior? Did Gunn really not consider, in his years of reflection, that these tweets were terrible and should be purged before they got him in trouble? Apparently not, although I’m sure both parties will consider that a high priority moving forward. We’ve seen people get in trouble for bad tweets, even ones that were many years old (I remember Trevor Noah’s sexist “controversy,” do you?), but this is the first time I can remember that a studio actually had to respond to it in such a strong manner. Like with Roseanne before him, Disney has shown they are willing to cut ties with people they deem to be even a little bit controversial…for better or worse, really.
Of course, I can’t ignore the political angle of this, which adds just another shit nugget to the entirety of the proceedings. The main reason these tweets came to light in the first place was due to a concentrated effort of right-wing trolls (led by human diarrhea bag Mike Cernovich) to basically knock Gunn down a peg, and show that the outspoken director was guilty of his own bad behavior in the past. I want to make it clear: nothing that Cernovich or his ilk do, in my mind, is “right.” But the unfortunate, ugly truth of the matter is that this outcry had the desired effect — Gunn lost his job, and has been Publically Shamed on the Internet™. This counts as a gross win for them, but should we just pretend this is better than it is, because it benefits a bunch of people who are awful?
While there’s certainly a part of me that wants to rally against the forces that conspired to take down Gunn, it’s a lot harder to do that when actually looking at some of the tweets that he made. Would it not be hypocritical of me to cheer on the collapse of Roseanne Barr, while at the same time trying to defend Gunn and his actions? One of my least favorite things in the whole goddamn world is hypocrisy, and there’s plenty of that all-over today. Case in point: the alt-right cheering on the public shaming of an “enemy” over the “jokes” he made, when the same fuckers probably would be bemoaning about policial correctness and “social justice warriors” if it was someone they viewed to be on their side. Equally as hypocritical is some of the response I’ve seen from more left-leaning people: now they are the ones using the tactics of “it was a long time ago!” and “they were just jokes!” and a myriad of other ways of rationalizing Gunn’s behavior. That shit hasn’t excused past people celebrities who were Publically Shamed on the Internet™, and I don’t think it’s right to give Gunn the benefit of the doubt just because we like him.
On the same token…they were tweets. From a decade ago. And I’m not comfortably completely crucifying the man over them. But if it was someone I disliked…would I be? Would we all be? This matter is complicated as hell, and I’m not sure who is right or wrong here, or even if there is a true right or wrong. This kind of situation requires more nuance than I, or probably anyone sounding off on Twitter and the rest of the internet, can probably muster. All I know is that Guardians of the Galaxy Vol. 3 is going to suffer big time for this, and that Marvel is going to have to work hard on restoring the damage to the brand. I return to the business and fanboy matters because, honestly, that’s all I can rationalize without feeling like I am wrong in some way. Because when it comes to the mortality and ethics of what happened here today, I’ll reiterate:
Fuck if I know.
Also published on Medium.
10 Other Members of The Americans Cast Who Should Be Put In A Star War (And The Roles That They Could Play)
Keri Russell should just be the start of alum from FX’s hit spy drama joining the Star Wars universe.
The talk of the fanboy town this weekend was Keri Russell, a frequent J.J. Abrams cohort, joining the cast of Star Wars: Episode IX (or whatever it might end up being titled.) The think pieces came fast and furious from nearly the moment the casting was first announced, which shouldn’t be too much of a surprise: when any new detail drops about one of these Star Wars films, people will inevitably spend way too much time theorizing about what is to come, for better or (mostly) worse. But when it comes to my initial reaction to the casting, I only had two thoughts: 1) oh my god what is J.J. Abrams going to do to Keri Russell’s hair this time and 2) it’s so damn great to see The Americans cast get work.
Coming off of five years of being perhaps the best dramatic ensemble on television, I truly would be happy to see all of the cast members of The Americans land roles in huge films following the conclusion of the show. And not just huge films, mind you — I’m talking Star Wars huge films. Truly The Americans cast is versatile enough to land any role they could want in the galaxy far, far away, and with Russell’s casting, all I could think about (aside from how amazing she’s going to end up being in the movie, of course) was what her fellow cast members could also bring to the extended franchise.
And I’m a silly person who happens to have a blog so, sorry, you have to be present for my ramblings on such niche, unasked subjects! So here are 10 other members of The Americans cast who deserve a shot at a Star Wars gig and, for the hell of it, the character archetypes they would be great for in the universe. Thank me later, Kathleen Kennedy!
Matthew Rhys (Philip Jennings):
I’ll let my first post-Keri Russell casting tweet speak for itself here:
Since we've gotten this far, can we go the whole nine yards and have Matthew Rhys cast as a roguish "Han Solo" type in one of these? Welsh accent included, of course.
— Matthew Legarreta (@mattlegarreta) July 6, 2018
Holly Taylor (Paige Jennings):
Rey’s previously unmentioned bestie/roommate back home on Jakku. They stay up all night chowing down on dehydrated bread and talking about desert problems, as you do.
Noah Emmerich (Stan Beeman):
Maybe it’s recency bias, but I can’t help but imagine Emmerich playing a tough bounty hunter character. That being said, it will be pretty tragic when he realizes his co-pilot and best friend was his target the whole time. What a dramatic scene they will end up having in the Star Wars equivalent of a parking garage, though.
Brandon J. Dirden (Dennis Aderholt):
Brandon J. Dirden holds himself up with such calm and levelheaded prestige as an actor…making him a perfect choice to play a hapless senator trying to do the right thing, but missing the fact that OOPS an electric wizard is in control now. Bummer!
Costa Ronin (Oleg Burov):
I can definitely see Costa Ronin playing the cool, confident gangster type. He’ll also have a robot arm, for some reason. And he should keep his Season 6 beard, because DAMN does he rock the hell out of it.
Alison Wright (Martha):
Padme in a set of prequel remakes. Because if anyone could sell the anguish of being betrayed by someone they deeply loved for years, only for them to end up being a completely different person than who they thought they were, it would be her. Poor Martha…
Margo Martindale (Claudia):
It’s Character Actress Margot Martindale! Let her be whatever she wants! A Jedi master, a Sith Lord, a crime boss, a droid, a wookie, a gungan — she can do it all, dang it!
Frank Langella (Gabriel):
Let him be the kindest Jedi master ever. OR the most evil Sith Lord to ever exist. Frank Langella is somehow capable of channeling both.
Mail Robot (Mail Robot):
The new official droid mascot of Star Wars, duh! NEXT.
Keidrich Sellati (Henry Jennings):
…He can also be present.
Also published on Medium.
Avengers: Infinity War Crushed My Dreams in the Dumbest Way, and I’m Okay with it
We might never see Secret Wars properly adapted to the big screen, and I am at peace with that now.
Spoilers ahead, so be forewarned. Although at this point it’s impossible for this article to spoil what could possibly be the biggest blockbuster of all time, on a website nobody reads, but consider yourself warned. And a loser, let’s be real here.
So first and foremost: I very much liked this movie, and so did most of you, from what the box office tells us. I very much look forward to seeing it again to crystallize my real thoughts on it, because time ends up being the best critic of them all. It’s too soon for the test of time to enlighten us on where this thing ranks amongst the pantheon, but most of what has been said and written about is true; it’s a landmark, a milestone, impressively crafted and a miracle to watch. The ending has emotional stakes (though not real ones), and it really leaves an imprint. And yet…
The link above is a terrific examination about what I’m talking about, but I’m only really here to somewhat facetiously let you into my head beat by beat as the characters we love turned to ash and floated away. Mouth agape, I thought “they can’t be seriously doing this”. And most of you did the exact same thing! But I was referring to something else entirely, and as the screen cut to black, and Thanos’ big dumb expression still lingering fresh in our minds, my fellow audience members and space travelers all collectively gasped. Everyone did it for reasons that seem normal, “oh no our favorite heroes are dead and we have to wait a whole year to find out what happens!”. Except me, because I have a one track mind and was somewhere else entirely (and I’m not going to get suckered into believing anything that happened in that film actually has any consequence whatsoever, in terms of plot or story or the ability for Disney to make money and sign actors to long-term contracts).
No, I gasped because I actually thought Kevin Feige had the balls to go where I didn’t think they would ever go, and I yelled out in the crowded theater, in the pitch black surrounded by strangers, at the screen with credits rolling slowly:
IF THIS END STINGER DOESN’T TEASE SECRET WARS THEN THERE IS NO POINT IN HAVING A SEQUEL, BECAUSE IT WILL RENDER OUR MOURNING OBSOLETE AND MEANINGLESS.
I didn’t actually yell that, I said it quietly to the brunette in the college sweater next to me who I was trying to hit on before the movie started. There was a seven foot tall teenager in a business suit sitting in front of me, blocking the lower left quarter of the screen, and he turned around at the same time as his mother, who loved him very much and was proud of her son in that suit I tell ya, and they asked “what is Secret Wars? Is that the title of the next Avengers movie after this?” And I replied:
IF THEY DON’T SHOW BATTLEWORLD AFTER THESE CREDITS THEN ALL OF THESE CHARACTERS DEATHS ARE FOR NOTHING BUT THE SHEER AND BLATANT ATTEMPT TO SEEM EDGY AND BOLD AND DARING, BUT IN REALITY WE WILL ALL GET OVER IT IN TWO WEEKS WHEN THEY ANNOUNCE THE NEXT SLATE OF FILMS IN PHASE FOUR.
I didn’t actually say that either, but in the final moments of Infinity War I kept expecting the disintegrating bodies to reveal the truth: they weren’t dead, just going somewhere else, potentially the mirror dimension, or another parallel universe, or a representation of hell inside the Soul Stone. And then I realized that the only other gigantic crossover storyline not used so far in these movies is Secret Wars, which would have been the most amazing and ideal way to segue into next year’s Avengers 4: Secret Wars. Imagine, the most famous comic book story for Marvel (also seen on the 90’s Spider-Man cartoon) redone on the big screen: the possibilities endless, the potential for blowing minds unfathomable for fans.
But alas, no, they did not go there, and instead left the cliffhanger to just sit with us. In the dark, no answers, like a gut punch from the screen to our seats. I’m not going to explain why Secret Wars is worth doing, or what it’s about — the cover below says everything you need to know, really. Just look it up online after this, or read the original run, or the newer ones. It’s unreal they didn’t go for this, they had the chance and they blew it!
I like the ending in a vacuum, on paper, but we don’t live in a vacuum anymore. We live on the internet, where every production has leaked set photos and breakdowns, every project in development has casting choices ruined and surprises sold off to the highest bidder. The next five years are set in stone, the signatures already in ink, and it only lasted five minutes before I realized the head fake ending would have been better off being done without the obvious sign that A) the original team of old heroes and actors who should have died and said they’re about done all lived B) all the new characters and actors that are the backbone of Marvel’s future all died C) they already shot the untitled sequel so it’s not like they did that whole movie / marketing without Spider-Man and Black Panther and D) I’m going to end this run-on sentence being mad they didn’t finish the FOX merger fast enough to do Secret Wars.
Secret Wars, the only way to naturally introduce a space alien getting stuck to Peter Parker’s suit so the symbiote travels back to earth to battle Tom Hardy as Eddie Brock. Secret Wars, the only way to seamlessly transition the X-Men and Fantastic Four into the MCU, by forcing them to battle on Battleworld for the enjoyment of the masses. But no, they didn’t show those characters on a new planet. They didn’t bring in Ant-Man and the Wasp and the original Wasp (Michelle Pheiffer) through the subatomic quantum realm. They didn’t hint at the Beyonder, or She-Hulk, or Spider-Woman, or Titania, or Absorbing Man, or Kang the Conqueror, or Molecule Man, or Silver Surfer, or Volcana, or the Wrecking Crew, or Galactus! They didn’t bring back older villains sans Red Skull (good job on that one, actually) to fight and die again against different heroes (how hard is it to just show Ultron fighting without him talking?).
Oh well. I’m not actually that upset, and the odds of that were low enough I’m not shocked. I just really thought they were going in that direction, and now they are not, and that makes me sad. A man can dream, though. Infinity War was pretty good all things considered, even if the stakes they focused on are really just not doable anymore, in this culture of capitalism and engineering fandom into capitalist milk udders. Just milking us nerds dry, with no regard for anything but the almighty dollar. What can you do about it, honestly? At least my favorite characters aren’t being handled by Warner Bros.
Tune in next time when I write an article about how Thanos was just stealing all of his ideas and motivations off of Bill Maher, thanks for reading true believers. Excelsior!
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