Dear Sony: We Have To Talk About Your Venom Problem

Dear Sony,

I know it’s been a while since we last talked, and I feel pretty bad about that. But, look, I just had no interest in a third Da Vinci Code movie, and Passengers looked pretty bad too. Honesty, I feel like we’ve been drifting apart for years now anyways, with the occasional 21 Jump Street igniting some of the passion between us but, frankly, not enough of it. But despite our differences I still care about you, Sony, which is why I feel obligated to speak up about your illness.

Yes, illness.

I know it doesn’t sound very good to hear it phrased this way, but how else do you describe something that has so thoroughly tainted ones life? That has completely deteriorated your physical, mental, and box office health? That has made watching your movies such an arduous, painful task? Addiction IS a disease, and as much as it may hurt to hear, I can no longer let your proclivity for B-rate Spider-Man villains poison your future as a studio. You need help, Sony, and I’m willing to give it…if you’ll let me.

Recently you made it quite clear your intents to keep doing Venom, and I fear you are moving ahead recklessly into a path you do not fully understand. It’s hard not to see all of this as a way to get back at your life partner Spider-Man, who we all know you’ve had a troubling marriage with in recent years. But I thought you two were getting better, I really did. You were seeing help with that nice franchise counselor Marvel Studios, and you separated yourself from that Avi Arad man who was clearly such a bad influence on you. You went into 2017 with hope, and vigor, and 26 million views on Youtube. So what happened? Why do you feel like you need to go back to the Venom well yet again?

Is it trouble at work? I know Bad Boys 3 isn’t working like you hoped it would, and you have that big The Dark Tower project coming up that you’re not so confident in anymore. Hell, you greenlit a motion picture entitled “The Emoji Movie”, which is clearly a cry for help. But that doesn’t mean that you should go back to old ways, running off and fooling around with Venom yet again. Don’t you see that he’s not the answer to your problems? Don’t you see that your future is not determined by his inky, dark, 90’s ‘tude? Don’t you see that nobody gives a shit about a motherfucking Venom movie that doesn’t have goddamn Spider-Man in it?!

No, no, I’m judging again — I promised myself I wouldn’t do that to you. I’m trying to come at this from a place of understanding, and I don’t want you to fly off the handle and go put another Aunt May spin-off into development again. I just don’t understand why, after all this time, you still think you need Venom to survive.

Is it because you see all that MCU and DCCU money, and feel like you don’t measure up? Well, umm, you don’t. You really can’t. But the answer isn’t to whore yourself out with Venom. That’s never the answer.

Keep working on your relationship with Spider-Man. Have Marvel and that nice man Kevin Feige continue to help you, in anyway they can. Renew that restraining order against that Avi Arad fellow. And, if you still feel like you need a touch of Venom even after all that, maybe implement it into your current relationship with Spider-Man. Maybe make it so the both of you can enjoy Venom together, and if it ends up working, THEN you can explore the idea of a spin-off. But attempting a standalone on your lonesome, with no one but that hooligan Arad at your side? I have to stress again: it’s not the answer to your problems. Venom is NEVER the answer.

You deserve better, Sony Pictures, even if your highest grossing film of last year was…the Ghostbusters reboot? Ouch — really? Man, that’s just…unfortunate.