Oh You Bet I’m Going to Lay Into That Spider-Man: Homecoming Poster

Initially, I was all prepped late last night to write a post about the new Spider-Man: Homecoming trailer. It was going to be a sarcastic little thing about how you shouldn’t watch the trailer, and how we’ve already seen enough from the film, and seeing more would just ruin the fun. You know, standard fanboy rant fodder. But, earlier this morning, a more pressing matter related to the upcoming MCU film popped up: a brand new domestic poster highlighting the entire cast of the movie.

And boy is the sucker ugly. But don’t take my word for it — check out the full poster for yourself below:

Eeeeesh, right? This poster is so terrible, it practically DEMANDS a bulleted list. So that’s what it’s going to get!

• The most obvious crime is in the overwhelming inclusion of Iron Man here, to the point of being obnoxious. How is Spider-Man/Peter Parker the background player in his own damn poster? Really the problem is the stupid-as-hell Iron Man trying to break out of the poster — having Tony Stark included in the corner would be fine (he’s likely a big part of the film, if the trailers are to be believed), but the awkward as hell Iron Man suit flying straight towards the viewer? Blech.
• That being said, Tony Stark doesn’t look exactly great on this poster either (though, in his defense, does anybody?) Why is he floating in a flume of flames? Why does his body dissolve into nothingness? Why is he riding on Tom Holland’s tiny shoulders like an oversized, goatee-laden Yoda? So many questions, absolutely no answers.
• Also, Tony Stark’s heart is a tiny little Vulture, exploding inside of a sun. Fuck you, that’s why.
• I’ve zoomed in so much to the image next to Dramatically Staring Keaton, and I absolutely have no idea what the hell it is. The electric purple explosion would led me to think it’s Shocker, but that certainly doesn’t look like Bokeem Woodbine. Is it Logan Marshall Green then, playing a mysterious henchmen guy? Why does he deserve a place on this poster? And why illustrate the weapon he’s using, if no one in the fucking world knows what it is? It’s too damn busy, poster designer! Slow your roll.
• Oh hi, Hot Aunt May. How’s life as Happy Hogan’s shoulder parrot?
• Speaking of which…isn’t it kind of weird that Jon Favreau’s Hogan is on this poster? And also THIRD BILLED on the damn thing? Is it a case of Favreau’s agent nabbing him a REALLY good contract, or does Happy Hogan have an inexplicably gigantic role in the film? Time will tell, I guess.
• The Washington Monument is now a part of the New York City skyline, I guess. As is Happy Hogan.
• Sorry Zendaya, but I really don’t have time to complain about you. But the dissolve of your clothing beneath Iron Man’s arm is freaking me the fuck out.
• Random sparks coming into the edge of the frame? Ah, it wouldn’t be an overdesigned blockbuster movie poster without them.

For what it’s worth, this poster is just one in a low string of terrible one-sheets for Marvel movies. Hell, though I love Marvel movies, I’ve always felt there were two qualities that the studio time and time again just could not get right: their villains, and their one-sheets. Yes, they can usually pull off some cool teaser posters (just look at the ones for Spider-Man: Homecoming — they are unique and stylish, and great to look at.) But the big “get the cast together” (through Photoshop, natch) poster is almost always the absolute worst. Or do you need to see the poster for Avengers: Age of Ultron again?

Over time, the villain problem has gotten a tad bit better, with the bad guy of Guardians of the Galaxy Vol. 2 being especially great. But the one-sheets? If this poster is any indication, it’s that things have not gotten better for MCU films on that front. Hell, they’ve gotten worse!

Though, if we’re being fair, it’s likely that Marvel Studios isn’t even responsible for this poster — Sony Picutres could be steering that ship. Who knows how this weird dual-custody works, really? But if having a terrible final poster is a Marvel Studios staple than, congrats, Spider-Man. You are officially a member of the Marvel Cinematic Universe. Welcome!