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Letters I Stole From Sony Headquarters
You won’t believe what I got my hands on!
Hey everyone, I recently broke into Sony HQ and found some letters they were trying to get rid of. I’m going to publish them here, hope you find them as interesting as I did.
My Cap’n, Jim Ryan
I have been in bad company for so long that it seems like second nature, and it would be impossible for me to leave as is. The current situation has me trembling deep within my bones, and I supposed only God knows when I shall see you again in the warm sunlight.
I write this letter to inform ye of me health ‘n well being, but things here at Sony are not swell. I’ve been station’d up in this company fer a a few fortnights, bound to yer fellow crewmates, a few from R&D, software development, marketing and the like. I expect to be draft’d on board some other ship upon the arrival of help, but time’s short. The coronavirus could plunder us all into the depths of David Jaffe’s locker, as the other lads jest to one’another on the daily.
Moral is low, I can smell it, there’s murmurin’ of mutiny. Lips are tinglin’ with the whispers of more fiddlin’ by management. A tempest is ragin’, a storms a-brewin’, and ye can’t throw yer dullards but a wee bit of news from the corporate board? I’m ‘fraid of the black wretch’d days to come fer Sony, the news keeps gettin’ worse by the day. I’m worried about this autumn, me ol’ friend.
With such tender care we’ve watch’d over our brand, the Playstation, try’d to instill good hearty sentiments. But did we abuse all our good intentions, have we repaid such kindness with cruelty and neglect, failin’ to inform our fans? Kratos should swallow us whole fer turnin’ a deaf ear to such headlong and thinkheadedness.
I’m ashm’d of our follies, but yer got to get word out about the PlayStation 5 soon or else a reckonin’ will be comin’, lad.
Warmly,
Hermen Hulst, Head of Worldwide Studios
2/20/20
Dear Hermen,
Once this evil curse passes, this C-virus, we can continue to share the good fortune and bountiful wealth with our fellow PlayStation fans everywhere, worldwide. PAX East, GDC, mid-June, other fan events, just be patient old friend! Your endeavours are not in vein, hold steadfast in your determination, and soon we will reveal specs of the console and a price range and release window soon. Relax old chum.
Love,
Jim Ryan, CEO of PlayStation
2/21/20
Jim –
Winds are howlin’ with rumors we pull’d out of E3 fer good, and won’t be attendin’ any events this year. Did our production lines get hit with misfortune? Are we waitin’ for parts and bolts and bits to put consoles together? Is the production line even up and runnin’? Did we tempt fate, that cruel mistress, with our pompousness n’ bravado?
How can ye allow that viper Phil Spencer to set the tone of the console war to come? What ammunition do we have in the chamber to compete with the likes of Master Chief on Game Pass? The string of departures from our brass, the lack o’ communication and vision, damn ye! Bit yer tongue if ye were lyin’ to me ‘bout our plans. I can’t hold off the crew much longer, concerns are rattlin’ round these parts like loose planks on the mast.
Our ship has seen nothing but the scene of bloodshed. The origin of this awful scene was good men, yer men, forming themselves into a mob to deprive all rights and privileges guaranteed to shareholders and fanboys alike. They pitched their spite upon the media, rose in great number, to hem and haw, dischargin’ foul language and words of violence against your Sony overlords.
Remember where ye came from, where we came from. The trenches, the dog days, we put this company on the map! And now ye too rich for yer briches to let me in on what’s goin’ on. I know ye are holdin’ back, yer privy to the likes of when we release our baby and how much it’ll cost. But yer too cowardly and yella to reveal it to the world?
Pox on it.
Hermen Hulst
2/22/20
Hermen,
I can assure you that while things seem bad now, there will be an official update on our plans as soon as I receive them! We have a bounty, nay, a bevy of titles beyond Ghosts of Tsushima and The Last of Us Part II. The PS5 launch will be extraordinary, good chap, and it won’t just be a port of Dreams, Godfall, and Call of Duty Black Ops V.
We’re hard at work on the next VR headset, and no it hasn’t been cancelled! Who told you that? That one gave me a hearty chuckle. I have faith in the fine people here at Sony corporate, and that our future high tides will lift all boats! Don’t be concerned or worried with what the media, or the fans, or the investors say. Don’t be alarmed at public health officials, the stock market, or what the scurvy dogs at Microsoft are planning. I assure you, old friend, we will be fine.
I write you these few lines hoping to find you in good health permanently as this leaves me at present thanks be to god for his mercies to us all you spoke to me in your letter about your troubles.
Love,
Jim Ryan, CEO of PlayStation
2/23/20
Jim –
I got such a shock by the news contained in your letters that it weighs heavy on my mind ‘till this minute. It would not be so much if I had been able to get an official word out of yer mouth, publicly, not in these blasted letters you scoundrel!
My most sanguine hopes of making this console launch successful and assistin’ my distressed brothers and sisters in arms being thus cruelly frustrated, I cannot leave this place where I experienced so much heartache. How mortifyin’ is the idea that my friends must be debarred from the privileges of such features as 12 teraflops? Backwards compatibility? Two different SKUs? Somethin’? Anythin’?
‘Tis not the time for gab and chatter, y’best be workin’ on somethin’ quick! Now’s not the time to be as silent as a tomb, y’ain’t just competin’ with the likes of Don Mattrick no’more. Google, Amazon, Nintendo, Nvidia, all now enter the ring to fight us to the pale death. Sony has treble dread, who hear’st the tides rollin’ in on our territory. Deign to save our suppliant souls, and the likes of Media Molecule, Santa Monica, Naughty Dog, Insomniac, Bend, and the rest.
Curse me if there ain’t an old tar spirit somewheres in ye, like Kevin Butler. Ain’t no justice in this world? Just leak something, lad! Drop o’leaks‘ll do us good. Leak some specs, do somethin’ to calm the nerves of PlayStation nation out there on the world wide web. ‘Tis when the talkin’ stops when yer twixt a rock and a hard place. Doldrums, eviler than the Devil. Boredom makes gamers to trolls n’ villains. And what’s the answer? What be the cure? The only medicine is leaks. Leak, lad! Keeps them gamers happy, keeps ‘em agreeable, keeps ’em calm.
Signed, wearily,
Hermen Hulst
2/24/20
Jim –
Ye haven’t responded to me last letter, suppose I’m alone now. Yer either kickin’ the bucket or someone has gotten ahold of ye. The tight lips at Sony corporate have always bewilder’d me. It’s like no man there has ever played a single fuckin’ game they ever publish’d. In every PlayStation, ‘em’s the souls o’ gamers what met their maker. Curse, damnèd them all fer neglectin’ the needs of their customers.
I remember the dark days, when yer PS3 yellow light would go out, there be someone somewhere’s a-thinkin’ bad thoughts of ye. The $599 price, the horrid miserable games, what a disaster, a shipwreck, that entire generation was. Aye, Sony went mad back then, we did. First a strangeness for the controller, a quietude for the Sixaxis.
Then wild fancies struck Kaz Hirai and Phil Harrison, sea mad they went. Ravin’ ‘bout giant enemy crabs, ridge racer, bad omens and the like. In the end, no more sense left in them than a hen’s tooth. Oh what be the bane of a Sony executive? What cause him or her to worry, to struggle and strife, to cuss until ye is gone, no more vigor or vim? And cause him or her despair and drives themselves to sin? ‘Tis the prospect of money, it is.
‘Twill keep steady afore the tender comes in the morn, I ‘spect the floodgates will open soon, the anticipation knockin’ about, stirrin’ in ye until ye burst. Yergettin’ full o’ ye’self Ryan, tomorry will come a nary of hope or pride so don’t start grudgen me now lad. I have too much ‘spect for ye, we can’t seem too confident without having a Spider-Man or God of War sequel to show.
Ghost of Tsushima looks like a poor man’s Sekiro. I’m quakin’ in me boots.
Write back soon,
Hermen Hulst
2/25/20
Ryan,
Boy, this be the last time I write to ye. Jesus Mary and Joseph, last time I confessed ‘twould do somethin’ to end the riots I be hearin’ ‘bout the state of Sony. I can’t take it no longer, why’ry’not splittin’yer lungs out fer? Spill yer beans boyo! Look what ye fools have done, keepin’ yer secrets to yerselves. No clue what t’do come this holiday season. It’s a cryin’ shame, makes me sick, the quarters are dire. Ye pretend everythin’ alright, eyes bright as a Dualshock 4 light. Yer false grum, wantin’ t’be coveted fer doin’ nothin’. Y’smash every record in the books, and just sit on ye laurels as if the next console gen is won already.
Ye lyin’ dog. Ye dog-faced, pony soldier! ‘Tis begrimed and bedabbled.
There is no plan for the PlayStation 5, is there. There never were, and yer’all scramblin’ to search fer answers in light of the Xbox Series X. Forza, Fable, Perfect Dark, Halo Infinite day one, Cuphead, Gears, ye have no answers for any o’it! Nothin’ o’the sort comin’ from us this year, nothin’ ready yet. Is there even a Horizon: Zero Dawn sequel?
Look, yershiverin’, yer so mad, y’know not up from down. Help me to recollect, who deliver’d that game? Was me n’me team in Amsterdam. Yer probably wand’rin’ through a grove of tag alders like a frostbitten maniac a-talkin’ to yerself, knee-deep in the snow, the blizzard overtakin’ye. Nay, ‘tis not worth the trouble, I’m a man of transparency, I is. I’m damn-well wedded to this here PS4, and she’s been a finer, truer, quieter console than any a live-blooded woman or PS5. The dev kit was shaped like a V, what a bloody joke.
Can’t say I blame ye. I hearn tell about the lies. Hard goin’. Workin’ one man harder than two horses, they say. No thankee. The PS4, she’s the only platform wantin’ fer me. Nioh 2 will do me just fine. And’ll be glad to see it! Keep your temper now, lad. ‘Tis fine work. Yer makin’ high marks now, why make a false prophet with another console. Them’s gospel.
Don’t be so darn foolish. She were a gentle westerly wind yer cursin’. Only feels roughly ‘cause you don’t know nothin’ bout nothin’ and there ain’t no PS5 on this here earth. Nor’Easterly wind’ll come soon a-blowin’ like the dulcet tones of Jack Trenton. Best board up them winders now, yer first place position won’t be standin’ fer long without me!
Hermen Hulst
2/26/20
P.S. Below I found one of me best men scribblin’ to himself, thought you should see the state of ye men down here in the trenches fer ye’self lad
Hermen Hulst,
Hark! Hark, Hermen, hark! Ye treacherous scally wank! Bellow, and bid our mascot Crash Bandicoot, full-foul in his furry fury, spinning like a tornado, to smother yer mouth with pungent slime! To choke ye, engorging yer organs ‘til ye turn blue and bloated with bilge and brine and can scream no more! Yer body’ll look like a Bloodborne boss after I’m through with ye Hulst! I confiscat’d the letter from ole Jimmy Ryan, that putz. Ye gonna O what Protean forms come from game developers’ minds and melt in the hot Promethean plunder, scorching eyes with divine shames and horrors! This ain’t t’be another PSP ye saltwater taffy lunatic! Ye absolute lun!
The PlayStation 5 will steam with power and take ye be-finnèd delicate hands, screechin’ banshee-like like an Alienware PC! It’ll run ye through the gullet, forgotten to any studio head ‘til ye is no more. Sony will sell like hotcakes, I warn ye, ten times more after that ‘til every here house in the land bleeds knuckles for our games and exclusives and PlayStation Now. Every moulderin’ spec will sparkle like a sperm whale’s pecker, and by god and golly, you’ll help the PlayStation brand smilin’ lad, ‘cause you’ll do as yer told. Contree’dict me again I dock yer yearly salary.
PlayStation gamers on every continent, in every sea, their gums swollen from salivatin’ over our PS5. The color of bone, then to rot, tarry blood oozed, teeth droppin’ to play our launch line-up! Their eyes withered and turned gangree’nous, every shade of the peacock’s tail our controllers will light up. The worst of us couldn’t fend ‘gainst the mall rats what gnawed at the soles of our feet. Hears I, but only the most elite of gamers could’be prepared for such next gen graphics! So we drink upon the sap, and eat upon the rumors. ‘Twas the PlayStation brand saved us from turnin’ to each other’s flesh, like bare-naked savages. And ‘twas that PS3 scurvy what left me locked ever since.
You’ll see, you’ll all see! And you’ll rue the day you crossed the Sony PlayStation family of consoles! Your head’s t’be on a pike soon, Hulst. That, I can guarentee. I’ll have ghosts haunting your corpse once you’re dead meat, ye traitor.
Shuhei Yoshida
2/27/20