In the spirit of Wrestlemania, we need to have a good card filled with amazing match-ups, pitting two similar foes against each other to fight for our enjoyment of blood-sport. And since there is absolutely nothing going on in my life outside of playing Sekiro: Shadows Die Twice, I figured I would make the mini bosses of that game one of the topics. And the best comparison to Sekiro is not any Dark Souls game, it’s Nioh. Both are Japanese set and feature cool demons with glowing red eyes, and have protagonists with ponytails you can’t change or edit. Now let’s get to the main events!
Chained Ogre vs. Derrick the Executioner
These two are very early introductory boss dude monsters that teach you the mechanics of the game. But since Derrick is a bitch ass who can’t really beat you, and the Chained Ogre will kick your ass if you don’t get the flame vent, this is an easy call: the Ogre throws the Executioner off the side of a cliff.
Winner: Chained Ogre
General Naomori Kawarada / Tenzen Yamauchi / Kuranosuke Matsumoto vs. Tachibana Muneshige
These generic dudes in very similar suits of armor are not notable at all. They will annoy you, but are easily figured out and can be defeated. But since there are several Generals who all do the same thing, I’m going with the more distinct and actually tougher boss fight here with Nioh.
Winner: Tachibana Muneshige
Okami Leader Shizu vs. Honda Tadakatsu
Here are more slightly more magical generic dudes with masks and some purple. But Leader Shizu is a joke boss and Honda is easy, but a more official boss, where you like whack a big crystal ala Seath the Scaleless. Easy contest here.
Winner: Honda Tadakatsu
Emma, the Gentle Blade vs. Okatsu
Two sexy ladies face each other in this cat fight, and only one can come out on top! Or on bottom. Do you see what I did there. Anyways, Okatsu is a push over, and Emma IS THE FUCKING LADY THAT UPGRADES YOUR ESTUS FLASKS or whatever they’re called. That is baller as fuck.
Winner: Emma, the stone cold fox
Long-arm Centipede Sen’un / Giraffe vs. Great Centipede
Fucking centipede looking mother fuckers that creep me out. One of them I beat on my first try, the other are aggressive motherfuckers who will not stop and they can suck my dick.
Winner: Long-arm Centipede creepy fucks
Snake Eyes Shirafuji / Shirahagi vs. Saika Magoichi
These are all people who will shoot you to death and make you feel cheap as hell. But fun fact: I thought Saika Magoichi was so hard, I actually took a long break from Nioh and eventually came back and beat him. But boy was that a cheap fight, flying AND a gun.
Winner: Saika
Blazing Bull / Sakura Bull of the Palace vs. Nue
Boy do we all just hate giant animals that will charge you relentlessly and use elemental damage to fuck you up, don’t we? Both of these fights are quite tough, but even though they give you 2 bulls in Sekiro, Nue is notoriously one of the coolest and best and hardest fights in Nioh and it comes like halfway through that game too.
Winner: Nue
Guardian Ape vs. Giant Toad
This is self explanatory: awesome ass boss battles with animals that should be cute, but aren’t. These are both great, terrific bosses. I really dig this Giant Toad fight, it’s one of the best in Nioh, but I have to give it to this asshole of a monkey and his infamous second phase. It’s one of the most infuriating troll jobs I’ve ever seen From Software pull and it is a standout moment.
Winner: Guardian Ape
Divine Dragon vs. Yamata-no-Orochi
Divine dragon? Japanese hydra? The biggest most epic shit ever? How can you not compare these two? Yamata is just a bitch of a battle, and it’s not very fun after a while, and Divine Dragon is just so well designed, I cannot help but give the edge to Sekiro on this one.
Winner: Divine Dragon
Demon of Hatred vs. Hundred Eyes
Ugly fucked up shit that should not exist is not cool. Bloodborne had too much of it, you know it, I know it, and there is something just unsettling about too many eyes. The Demon is just cooler, difficulty be damned. But it is impossible to beat, let me just say that. No one has ever beaten this boss without cheating or hacking the game. It’s just not possible. He is the toughest fucking mini-boss in the entire game. Fuck him and fuck From Software for making him. Fuck them forever.
Now of course, I beat him, and it was pretty easy, but still.
Winner: No one. That’s right. Except for me, who beat him.
Corrupted Monk vs. Ogress
The Monk and Ogress are actually cousins, same family of fat masked bastards who slither around. I had to beat the ghost illusion version of the Monk and that sucked, and he just came back for more later. Fuck that, the Ogress I beat and moved on from, like it SHOULD be.
Winner: Ogress
Gyoubu Oniwa vs. White Tiger
It’s a guy riding a horse against a tiger with an eye-patch, it writes itself, the battle of the ages. I’m going to go ahead and just declare this one a tie because I can’t choose between them. It’s too hard, these are both awesome sights to behold.
Winner: Everyone
Armored Warrior vs. Obsidian Samurai
Very easy guys in suits of armor face off here, but only one falls off a bridge yelling their child’s name that will soon become a meme, if it hasn’t already. ROBERRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRT!
Winner: Not Robert, his dad is dead
Lady Butterfly vs. Hino-enma
Women be throwing knives and shit! I like it! Lady Butterfly is one of the first major roadblocks / midterm exam fights in Sekiro and is a huge pain in the ass. Hino was a cool fight too, but was less annoying and she is technically hotter, so I have to go with my groin on this one.
Winner: Hino-enma
Shichimen Warrior vs. Yuki-onna
I hate it when the mystical arts fuck my shit up. Just hate it. One guy is throwing purple shit at me, and the other is shooting frozen shit at me, it’s just a pain in the ass all the time. Fuck the purple dude though, he can suck a dick, I’m going with the Frozen princess.
Winner: Yuki-onna
Juzou the Drunkard / Shigekichi of the Red Guard / Tokujiro the Glutton vs. Umi-bozu
Juzou and Umi are both iconic bosses that showcase the game, and yet vomit up shit constantly on you. The drunkard fights are some of my favorites in the game, and are relatively easy. The Umi fight though is the first major roadblock in Nioh and a huge pain in the ass. That blob hates fire though, so just remember that.
Winner: Umi-bozu
Genichiro / Way of the Tomoe vs. Oda Nobunaga
The big honcho swordsman, the test of all tests, the ultimate master vs pupil study in death. Genichiro seems like a big deal when he obliterates you at the start of Sekiro, but he’s a chump. Oda is not kidding around, and is a real killer.
Winner: Oda Nobunaga
Isshin Ashina / the Sword Saint vs. Ishida Mitsunari
Old man samurai warriors, experts at their craft, final-ish bosses, the mother of all contests. Well, this was super easy because Isshin is the toughest final boss in a From Software game (not counting DLC) and he can go to hell. Totally whips everyone on this list. Just a downright asshole no matter which version of him you get. It took me forever to do it and I still don’t know how or why a skinny old man has 3 death blow counters. Explain that one to me.
Winner: Isshin Ashina
Lone Shadow Longswordsman / Vilehand / Masanaga the Spear-Bearer vs. Otani Yoshitsugu
Cool swords, a cunning skilled battle of wits and twitch reflexes. You get all of that with the long shadow gang here, but they’re all pretty commonplace by the end game and easily beatable by side-stepping their kicks. Otani is a hella sick fight and he is an ice cold stunner. Baller ass boss.
Winner: Otani Yoshitsugu
Great Shinobi Owl vs. Shima Sakon
When it comes to old sword guys, big fat thick daddies who wear furry outfits, father Owl takes the cake here. No offense to Shima Sakon, but you were not memorable. At all. If you told me that picture I used was from another game, I would believe you.
Winner: Owl
Headless vs. Onryoki
I thought the Headless were like, the hardest fight until I just waited until the endgame and went back, all leveled up, and found all 5 to be pushovers. The Onryoki are like that too, recurring fights that you encounter a ton. But the Headless fight sucks, so it loses. Put a shirt on, you fat bastard!
Winner: Onryoki
Seven Ashina Spears – Shikibu Toshikatsu Yamauchi / Shume Masaji Oniwa vs. Ii Naomasa
I know three things for certain in my life. Like, absolute crystal clear certainty. I know for a fact that we all die eventually, all Republicans are Nazis, and that Seven Ashina Spears Shikibu Toshikatsu Yamauchi is a total prick and I spent WAY too much time on this rat bastard and his spear. The guy on the right I don’t remember and all I know for sure is that I beat him and he is in a video game.
Winner: All of us, for having to fight Shikibu Yamauchi
Great Serpent vs. Joro-Gumo
Spiders against snakes, who is scarier? Well, the answer doesn’t matter really, because the Great Serpent is one of only many in the game, and all of them are gimmick fights; you don’t actually get to duel them. You get to fight the spider lady, and that’s actually cooler than a joke boss, so she wins, hands down.
Winner: Joro-Gumo
Shinobi Hunter Enshin of Misen vs. Kelley
Enshin and Kelley are bald wimps, plain and simple. But if you don’t know how to do that one parry where you dodge into spear thrusts, you will die to the Shinobi Hunter. Kelley looks like a drug addict and he fights like one. Not that I would know, I just watch a lot of World Star videos.
Winner: Enshin of Misen
Ashina Elite – Jinsuke Saze vs. Hattori Hanzo
Samurai against ninja, who wins? Well, normally the ninja does, but Hanzo is like a beginner battle and later a friendly NPC / historical figure. Jinsuke Saze is a no holds barred brawl in an attic, and while he doesn’t have any flashy gimmicks, he will rock you if you’re not careful. Deflect or die.
Winner: Jinsuke Saze
Leader Shigenori Yamauchi vs. Sakata Kintoki
Both of these gentlemen suck. They’re forgettable and they suck.
Winner: Neither
O’Rin of the Water vs. Gasha-dokuro
Gasha is a pushover boss, that looks big but is just annoying and you wack at his ankles and hands for a while. He’s a real dick. O’Rin, on the other hand, is a stone cold killer, a true troll of a fight and an assassin with a cool ass guitar. You can also cheese her in multiple ways, which is a lovely no-look by From and Miyazaki.
Winner: O’Rin of the Water
Shutterstock Cowboy vs. Getty Images Cowboy
Winner: All of us.
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