The Dana Carvey Show used to bring in different sponsors every week, and I feel like I’ve been doing that unofficially for a while now. Just using brand recognizable, copyright infringing names willy nilly. And I won’t stop until I get a cease and desist letter in my mailbox from a lawyer. Taco Bell is great, I like their chicken quesadillas, and I love Mountain Dew Baja Blast. So in honor of their hot sauce flavor packets, let’s go over some wacky E3 2019 predictions before everything gets leaked ahead of time.
Verde Sauce Predictions
- All those Watch Dogs 3 rumors are true, thank you leaks for that easy softball right over the middle of the plate
- Jedi Fallen Order is the only Respawn thing at EA’s event, all the Titanfall fans cry openly, weeping until we die a sad and lonely death
- Halo Infinite gameplay wows, but causes some uproar somehow, I’m sure of it
- Wolfenstein Youngblood is dope as fuck and ends the Bethesda showcase because they have nothing else but the Doom Eternal release date and a lowly Fallout 76 expansion / update that attempts to salvage that gigantic piece of shit
- Nintendo has a predictably delightful and pleasant direct, no real surprises since they’re focusing on 2019 pretty strictly, Animal Crossing is a happy warm game and Pokemon Sword and Shield is just another sequel
- Hell yeah Avengers Square Enix game is showing up, and it better look as cool as Marvel Ultimate Alliance 3
- Nioh 2 wins MY game of the show
- Apex Legends for Switch? Why not
- Give me a Luigi’s Mansion 2 release date, you cowards
- WTF is up with Gears Tactics, that looked sick, bring that shit back
- That Harry Potter game that leaked was sooooooooooooooooooo fucking cool, please show up pretty please
Mild Sauce Predictions
- No Metroid Prime 4 (sorry, not sorry)
- Nothing from Sony (no Knack 3 this year aw shucks, maybe some day)
- No Bayonetta 3
- No Starfield, no Elder Scrolls 6
- Too soon for that Resident Evil 3 remake Capcom is 100% working on
- Banjo remake coming to Xbox and Switch too? Don’t count on it
- Mass Effect trilogy remaster is not a thing, stop that fanboys
- Ken Levine’s Ghost Story game is MIA forever RIP
- What is Retro working on? We will never know because they will never tell us, ever
- There will be no dumb indie from EA, which is a shame, especially since…
- There will be no Anthem nor Dragon Age 4
Hot Sauce Predictions
- Splinter Cell finally thank Christ I cannot wait any longer and it better not be an open world Ghost Recon: Wildlands type thing
- Ubisoft ends with a new IP, most likely that leaked Roller Ball nonsense (remember when they used to do that all the time, that was great, wasn’t it?)
- WTF is up with Battletoads, is that going to look bad or so bad it’s good, you think?
- The new Smash Ultimate DLC character is one of those leaked people like the Doom guy or someone, maybe Bethesda says something before the Nintendo direct
- Does Ninja Theory tease what they’re working on? They had some details leak but is that ready for the spotlight?
- Metroid Prime trilogy is a thing, coming this year
- A Fable reboot is coming, Phil Spencer cannot and will not stop himself from teasing a few goodies for the next Xbox, so we get a trailer
- Speaking of Phil Spencer, he announces the acquisition of Studio MDHR and some other company and I get that sweet, sweet Cuphead DLC which wins GOTY 2019
Fire Sauce Predictions
- Maybe Phil Spencer shows up on the Nintendo Direct and talks about Ori coming to Switch?
- Demon Souls remaster from Bluepoint Games
- 2K flexes with the new Bioshock and I have THOUGHTS on it
- Is it time for a new Mario + Rabbids? It fucking better be
- Rocksteady’s game is on the Microsoft stage, it’s a DC thing and I won’t like it
- …a new Onimusha showing up?
- What is Tango Gameworks working on? Evil Within 3?
- Cyberpunk 2077 wins Game of the Show again, and it will be delayed until fall of 2020 for the next-gen consoles. Zero percent chance that game comes out any sooner, I don’t care if it’s playable from start to finish.
- Those From Software and George R.R Martin rumors are real, and they’re spectacular
- Hotline Miami 3 from Devolver Digital
Diablo Sauce Predictions
- Left 4 Dead 3
- Half-Life 3
- Phantasy Star Online 2 for North America
- A Fallout 3 / New Vegas remaster
- Paper Mario Switch
- Breath of the Wild 2
- Final Fantasy 16
- The Quiet Man 2
- F-Zero GX 2
- LOL none of those things will happen at E3 2019, there is no hope for the future as long as Republicans continue to destroy everything, the world is ending in 2050, play some video games
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