Every year, thousands of writers attempt to cash in and predict E3, including me. And increasingly, every year more leaks and rumors render the surprises ruined, thus making the whole exercise fruitless and pointless. So instead of making a game out of it, or just coming up with stupid nonsense that will inevitably be wrong, this year I’m doing something different and I’m just going to round-up all of the juicy details on the internet and put them into a tier chart.
Very simple, and hopefully accurate; let’s revel in how preposterous the higher tiers are, so when E3 is finished we can all look back and see how every company did. And by companies, I mean gigantic conglomerates and mega-corporations that are impervious and make record profits quarter after quarter despite what they do or release or who they fire or cut. Oh well, onto the fun!
- Forza Horizon 4 is announced, and it’s in Japan
- Cyberpunk 2077 wins Game of the Show, because of course it will
- Sony shows its big four games, they all get gameplay shown off and they all get release windows and years
- Nobody cares about Days Gone, still
- Nobody cares about Dreams, either
- Plants vs. Zombies: Garden Warfare 3 opens the show for EA before sports and Anthem and Battlefield V
- Sony has plenty of montages with indies and VR games, possibly too many
- Resident Evil 2 remake trailer, finally for Christ’s sake
- New online service announcements as far as the eye can see, I’m talking Games Pass and PSN and PS Now and Nintendo online bullshit and whatever else
- Borderlands 3 is at PAX and not E3, sorry folks, that game is delayed until 2020 because 2K doesn’t need it since they have Red Dead money to float their entire business for the next half decade
- Kingdom Hearts 3 gets a release date in this fiscal year (which is March 2019 at the latest for anyone who doesn’t know that)
- Shenmue 3 is MIA because it doesn’t exist, 2019 is not realistic people
- Valve does not show up or bring Artifact, Artifact does not come to consoles
- Blizzard does not show up either, Hearthstone does not come to Switch or consoles either, all of these decisions are dumb and the only people who suffer is us gamers because you’d think leaving money on the table was for the likes of Midway and THQ and Acclaim
- Fortnite for Switch trailer, not coming soon because that requires online play LOL
- Battle Royale games and modes as far as the eye can see, maybe an average of one per showing
- New Mortal Kombat from Netherrealms
- Rocksteady has a DC superhero game, not Batman and I hope it’s not Superman but it will be, which sucks
- Sony lets people change PSN names……………..at some point, officially, coming soon, trust us, believe me, fingers crossed, maybe
- Final Fantasy VII Remake is coming to Xbox (but not anytime soon because that game doesn’t exist and is not real, c’mon people)
- Watch Dogs 3 is at Ubisoft and is overshadowed by Beyond Good and Evil 2
- The Avengers game from Square Enix starts at Microsoft with a trailer but the gameplay ends up at Square’s presser
- Riiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiidge Racerrrrrrrrrrrrrr is still dead LOL, but Gran Turismo 7 makes an appearance, but only briefly
- Sony deep dives with couch interviews are still dumb, cut that shit out. This year doesn’t really gel with E3 and in the future every show just turns into a Nintendo Direct and Treehouse stream, which turns E3 into a PAX and kills the whole point since every company wants their own time to shine and attention…but loses the magic and spectacle of E3
- Splinter Cell comes back babyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy
- Just Cause 4 is ehhhhhhhhhhhhhhh
- Gears of War 5 isn’t really that big of a thing this year, it’s too soon
- Capcom brings out Devil May Cry 2
- Everything you’ve heard about Starfield from Bethesda is real and it’s spectacular, but does Rage 2 mean they delay the reveal? I say…maybe
- Mother fucking Bloodborne 2222222222222222222222 mother fuckerssssssssss SHADOWS DIE TWICE BITCHESSSSSSSSSSSS
- New Perfect Dark reboot “Joanna Dark” is not coming from Rare
- Bioshock prequel reboot teased
- Banjo anniversary collection competes with Spyro
- Halo: Genesis makes me rethink 343 Industries and Halo 6 and the entire franchise and its significance to Microsoft
- Hashtag Dragon Age 4
- Fable reimagining teased
- Onimusha reboot from Capcom! Because why not, I made that up and it sounds good to me! Maybe even Deep Down is a real thing and not a tech demo made for no reason, who knows
- EA does something with Microsoft, like let them buy back old IP. Something like Dead Space or Mass Effect or Jade Empire. Or hell, give me an XBL reboot of Crimson Skies, this is just me adding this in it’s not going to happen but it should goddamnit
- Other potential ideas for more 3rd part Xbox exclusives sitting in their back pokcets: Blinx the Time Sweeper, Voodoo Vince, Brute Force, and Namco’s Breakdown, they all get re-imagined LOL
- Ed Boon doesn’t give us another Mortal Kombat, he gives us what we really want, a Shaolin Monks sequel!!!!!!!!!!
- God of War 2 tease opens the Sony, and then Horizon 2, just to flex muscles on the competition and because they can (this will not happen, but it should though)
- Glover comes back mother fuckers! You got Crash, and then Spyro, and now GLOVER. If Bubsy can be revived, why not Glover?
- Half-Life 3, an HTC Vive exclusive
- Xbox signs with Oculus, or with HTC in order to get that Half-Life 3 deal
- Mother 3
- Mother 4
- A Virtual Console or actual Nintendo Online LOLOLOLOLOLOLOL
- Super Mario Strikers 2, Super Smash Bros. Melee HD, or Sunshine 2, or Galaxy 3
- Criterion’s ghost is revived by the Need for Speed team and we get a Burnout reboot finally, and someone answers my prayers
- That dumb Retro Studios rumor about a Star Fox racing game is actually mistaken identity of A NEW F-ZERO AND CAPTAIN FALCON IS ALIVE AND WELL BABYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYY
- Ubisoft brings back Prince of Persia, it’s connected to Assassin’s Creed: Origins in some way
- Square Enix reveals that the Final Fantasy VII remake is a real game and not a hoax or a scam because it really looks like it is
- Death Stranding is P.T. but longer, same hallway and everything!
- Bethesda brings Skyrim to the PS5 before it’s even announced by Sony themselves, because doesn’t that just sound like something they would do?
Also published on Medium.
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