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Jared’s Top 10 Games of 2018 (Written Entirely in Poetry)

I will not play them Sam I Am



I didn’t feel like writing a whole big thing nobody would read. Everyone does these lists, and nobody reads any of them. Too much of the same analysis, the same games on the same lists, with the same features and mechanics praised ad nausea. I figured I would mix it up and do something more creative to express why I like the games I did this year. It was an interesting experiment, and I’m not sure I’ll ever write as much poetry again as I did in this one week.

10 through 2 was all jumbled up, those can go in any order, it was really a toss-up. Number 1 was the only definitive and easy thing going for me, my GOTY was super easy and I knew it would be the choice back in April. (Spoilers: it’s God of War.)

This is also the Hollow Knight memorial list because that game came out last year, yet everybody played it on their Switch this year. That game would be easily top two, but I couldn’t put a 2017 game on a 2018 list. Even though I have several remakes/remasters. I follow the rules that I make up. Hollow Knight is incredible, go play that on your console of choice, it’s on everything now.

Note: Many of the poems below are not totally original, they are often just classic poems with words switched in and out and around, heavily edited, or homages. I will put the original source so you can read those poems in the way they were intended. This is all a purely comedic exercise and not intended to be a work of serious criticism or legitimate poetry. This is all a goof. Enjoy, and go play Hollow Knight.

Runners up: Hollow Knight, Into the Breach, Donut County, Call of Duty: Black Ops 4, Holedown, Ashen, Gwent: Thronebreaker, Dragon Ball Fighters Z, Guacemelee 2

10. Assassin’s Creed: Odyssey

Here she lies, a pretty hot bod,
Cassandra, made of flesh and blood,
The guards, as soon as they fall fast asleep
As my little blades did seep
Give her upgrades, side quests, objectives, comparisons,
None of it different or better than Origins
Too long, too bloated, a full map,
But what a cool looking legendary shoulder strap

(“Upon a Child That Died” by Robert Herrick)

9. Katamari Reroll

I sprinted, I twisted,
I tried to run about everywhere
I spun, I was spun,
I rolled into anything I could find
I was attached, I felt included,
Hey! I just picked up so much stuff!

If the Katamari comes, shall we go out
To the back alleys and walk with it, swaying, swinging, strolling?
Hey! Look outside the window! A lonely rolling star!

Well now as we roll around
Oh! Its growing BIGGER
Milky way love, Katamari we love you
And as we stare at sweet, sweet moon
The two of us will burn for each other

Is Absolutely

(Various lyrics from the soundtrack)

8. Marvel’s Spider-Man

among the collectibles, and references, and QTEs,
and villains, and stealth sections, and crimes,
this web
from the wrist
a spider, a hero
that swams,
in my home, the streets
flying around

(“Ode to a Large Tuna in the Market” by Pablo Neruda)

7. Return of the Obra Dinn

I sing requiem
for the dead, caught in that
mercantilistic madness.

We have not built lasting
monuments of severe stone
facing the sea, the watery tomb,

so I call these songs
shrines of remembrance
where faithful descendants

may stand and watch the smoke
curl into the sky
in memory of those

devoured by the cold Atlantic.
In every blues I hear
riding the dank swamp

I see the bones
picked clean in the belly
of the implacable sea

Wait what the fuck is that
is that a fucking crab monster
holy shit this game
who what why how fucking what
jesus fucking christ this game went places

the fuck

(“Requiem” by Kwame Dawes)

6. Dead Cells

punishment, crushing, savage
the pitter patter of swords and traps
the chitter chatter of blood and steel
poison and gore and viscera and madness
crisp, flashy, cool, smooth
it flows like water through a stream
death, recycles, over and over, and over
again and again, and again
the sweet release of relief
wholly awesome loot
wrapped in a blanket of grace

(“Dead Cells” by Jared Russo)

5. Super Smash Brothers Ultimate

Oodles of gold, tickets and spirit points
Ultimate smashing, music and references
Gathered he through all bloody means
Giving not a damn to humane feelings
Unlocking characters is but Sakurai’s patient strategy
Tamed is he by crippling ailments
So sad! Spends life like Peach’s thrown vegetable!

(“Nuggets” by Sathya Narayana)

4. Red Dead Redemption 2

“There once was a man from the west

whose game was not quite the best.

The immersion was swell,

the controls made me yell,

but the story truly made me digest.”

(“Red Dead Redemption 2” by Jared Russo)

3. Spyro: Reignited Trilogy

nostalgia, old wound

my love for the dragon soars

spyro’s back, fuckers

(“Spyro” by Jared Russo)

2. Celeste

I wonder just how much of me
will die with it, whatever I have
inside of me, my heart, my head
I could have been, was. Her insides speak
through a hundred deaths, now, more
than she can bear, platforms around her,
jumping, dashing, then, What is this thing she serves?
This soundtrack owns, this metaphor tears at me
we are all depressed, this game is cathartic

(“Nani” by Alberto Alvaro Rios)

Game Of The Year: God of War

What flesh my axe have kissed, and where, and why,
Wonder, and what carnage has Kratos lain
Under my giant turtle till morning; I leave them all slain
Midgard is full of ghosts today, the quests are nigh
Upon the decapitated head and listen for reply,
And in my heart there stirs a quiet pain
For unremembered gods that not again
Will rage with Atreus at midnight with a cry.

Thus in the winter stands the lonely tree,
Nor knows what beasts have vanished one by one,
Yet knows its boughs more silent than before:
I cannot overstate what I love have come and gone,
I only know that wonder sang within me
And after around 30 hours, I could not believe what I had played could go on at this level for more.

The art of gaming is hard to master;
so many things seem filled with the intent
to be seen and earned that their design isn’t hard to master.

Then combat foes and dive into lore, traveling farther, living faster:
places, and names, and where it was you meant
to travel. I wish it had gone on forever laster.

They lost their mother. And throughout it was
second-to-none, of three loved realms went.

Touched, by lovely ones. And, vaster,
some armor I owned, two warriors, a continent.
I miss them, but it wasn’t a disaster.

It was the game of the year.

(“What lips my lips have kissed, and where, and why” by Edna St. Vincent Millay)
(“One Art” by Elizabeth Bishop)

Bottom 3 (Not in Poem Form, Because These Games Do Not Deserve Poems, Only Scorn):

3. Far Cry 5 sucks, it’s not worth playing and this series needs to stop for a while.

2. Shadow of the Tomb Raider is incredibly disappointing, I want a new Deus Ex game, damnit.

1. Fallout 76. They killed the franchise. Those bastards.

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10 Bold Predictions for Video Games in 2019

+ an autopsy of everything I got right and wrong in 2018



I’ve been doing these for so many years, and yet my 2018 predictions were my best yet. So I’ll try and top them this year, but all I really want is a new Katamari game. That’s it. Just make that, and I’m happy.

With 2017, I went 7.5 out of 10. So let’s dive in and see how I did for 2018, shall we?:

1. Indie games have a weird year (WRONG)

Yeah, no, indies had a stellar year. I continue to live in the past and think that it’s unattainable for developers to hit the peak they did in 2013 where Gone Home, Stanley Parable, Papers Please, and Kentucky Route Zero all came out, and while we haven’t gotten there narratively, we did with gameplay.

Image result for celeste

Celeste, The Messanger, Dead Cells, Into the Breach, Return of the Obra Dinn, and Guacemelee 2 all crushed it, and many of those were legit GOTY contenders. I will continue to never underestimate indies ever again, and just love and enjoy them like always.

2. More and more trade shows really start to morph into something else we do not recognize, and we are all scratching our heads by the end of the year. (CORRECT)

I’m going to go ahead and give myself the point for this since we saw the turn happen, crossed the Rubicon, and are never going back. E3 is open to the public, Sony tried and failed to do something weird, they quit E3 and cancelled PSX, Nintendo had less Directs than ever before and dedicated their entire E3 showing to literally 45 minutes of nothing but Smash Brothers, and Microsoft had that thing in Mexico City and it didn’t work at all. Trade shows are dead, RIP convention halls and live events.

3. We get an all-time blockbuster in sales this year (CORRECT)

Ironically it might not be Red Dead Redemption 2, it could actually be that Spider-Man PS4 bundle. Or, if you want to count downloads and money earned, Fortnite ended up being an unprecedented phenomenon. So one of those counts, I’m sure. Smash Bros. Ultimate sold like hotcakes, Call of Duty: Black Ops 4 is impervious to criticism or down votes, and World Cup fever made FIFA 19 a hit. Go figure, people worldwide like soccer that much.

4. The industry will begin to self-regulate loot boxes (CORRECT)

Not out of legislation, because EA told Belgium to go fuck itself, but out of fear and pressure to backlash and poor optics and bad PR. Thank goodness, some games even advertised on them not including loot boxes aka gambling for children.

5. A significant number of high and low profile games will star women this year. (CORRECT)

Off the top of my head, I count:

Image result for donut county

Shadow of the Tomb Raider, Celeste, Assassin’s Creed Odyssey, Octopath Traveler, Florence, Donut County, and Moss all starred or prominently featured women at the forefront. I count that as a success, and I see no reason why the industry should stop in 2019.

6. The Nintendo Switch begins to stall (HALF POINT)

It certainly didn’t stall in terms of sales, but the lineup really only had Smash, and some ports, and some indies. It’s a strong library, but we all knew it wouldn’t be getting Metroid Prime 4 or Bayonetta 3 or Animal Crossing or something else cool. Just Mario Tennis and Mario Party and a Pokemon game that some people like. Eh.

7. Battle royale games are FUCKING EVERYWHERE (CORRECT)

Image result for plankton correct gif

8. The return of the Dark Souls clone (CORRECT)

Ashen, Below, Assassin’s Creed Odyssey, God of War, Dead Cells, and Death’s Gambit all took inspirations or ripped off the Souls games, and then we actually got Dark Souls Remastered which was cool too. It was a lovely year to fight using the shoulder buttons, parry, and pick up currency where you last died. Hopefully 2019 gives us Nioh 2. And Sekiro rocks our socks. I am so fucking ready for those games, you have no idea.

9. We finally see get teases for… (HALF POINT)

Here is what I wrote last year:

Cyberpunk 2077, Borderlands 3, The Division 2, a new Diablo, a new Bioshock project, Halo 6, Ghost Story and Ken Levine’s new game, and the return of a very classic franchise. I think Splinter Cell or Crimson Skies or Perfect Dark, but maybe Left 4 Dead? Who is to say, honestly, I don’t know. It won’t be Half-Life 3, though — sorry everybody, that ship has sailed. We also finally hear more about The Last of Us: Part 2, and Kingdom Hearts 3, and the Final Fantasy VII remake, and Shenmue 3, and they are all 2019 or later. Not one of those things is close to this calendar year.

Image result for cyberpunk 2077

By my count, that’s good for halfsies. So I’ll give myself partially credit.

10. Sony finally announces PSN name changes (CORRECT)

Finally. Even though they did it in the worst way possible that made it seem not appealing whatsoever.

So all in all, I scored 8 out of 10, which is better than the last few years. Progress! I want to shoot for 8.5 or higher this year, so let us get to it! Here are the my predictions for video games in 2019.

1. Sony caves in, and brings more games like Rocket League and Fortnite to cross-play

I never thought they would do it, and I was wrong. Hell, we were all wrong. But the cat is out of the proverbial bag now and soon more games will come to their “beta” and be cross-play compatible with Xbox and Switch and PC and iOS and Android. Minecraft and various shooters seem like obvious candidates.

2. A new console and streaming service enters the fray

Something will get announced by some poor schmuck and it will not go over super well. Amazon, Google, somebody else, Soulja Boy, who knows! But I expect an announcement and some vague promises, but honestly, nobody should be doing this. Just misguided, especially since we are getting a new Playstation and Xbox sooner than we think. A streaming service is slightly less misguided, but it’s so likely and I really do not see anything making a dent.

3. Big time games go free-to-play, including Overwatch and Fallout 76

Fallout is absolutely getting an apology tour this year, no question. Bethesda will have to do something with no new games on the horizon, and a giant turd on their hands. A turd that makes one of the most valuable IPs look like dogshit. I expect an expansion and free shit and new updates and a massive overhaul to save face before Starfield starts to ramp up, mark my words.

Image result for fallout 76

I also imagine that Blizzard will be forced to do something to expand their eSports audience, with Activision looking to squeeze profits out of every square inch of that greedy conglomerate. Overwatch is the last remaining big title to reasonably go free, after Counter-Strike did it last year. Rainbow Six isn’t quite there yet, but honestly that could go free-to-play and I would still get this prediction right. Maybe even Halo goes free, who knows! Maybe PUBG, gaming is crazy and I expect nothing short of madness, pure unadulterated madness!

4. Digital stores go for Steam’s jugular

Blood is in the water. Unexpectedly, after Valve decided years ago to sit on their asses and do fucking nothing about new games or fixing Steam or their business, EA manned up and told them to go fuck themselves. Ubisoft is not allowing The Division 2 to go onto Steam, and will continue that trend going forward. More uPlay for us! And the Epic store is just getting started, and they won’t slow down, especially with all the free capital they’re getting from Fork Knife. Maybe Microsoft and Sony rev up on PC, maybe Nintendo gets aggressive (probably not), but Steam will get caught slipping and if they don’t right the ship they’ll be on the ropes soon enough.

5. No big price cuts or new SKUs, no mini-Switch or major revisions, and no new console talk this year (sans leaks, I don’t count those, those are inevitable)

I don’t expect any new consoles in 2019, or any talk of new consoles. No announcements, no news, no half-step upgrades or new SKUs. No major price cuts, no new Switch model, nothing. Just leaks, and lots of build-up for 2020. The flood gates open then, but not now. Now we just wait for the future.

6. First looks at the following…

I don’t know how I’m going to score this one, but fuck it, here is what we get gameplay footage from:

Image result for bioshock

Borderlands 3, Watch Dogs 3, A Splinter Cell reboot/sequel, A Bioshock reboot/prequel, Titanfall 3 and Jedi: Fallen Order, Diablo 4, Warcraft mobile, Halo: Infinite, that Square Enix/Marvel Avengers game, that Battletoads thing, Plants vs Zombies: Garden Warfare 3, and many more games that have been announced but not shown off yet. Like Ken Levine’s game, I want that so bad. Ghost Story, give it to me now damnit!

7. You can tell Microsoft, Sony, and Nintendo are holding back the good stuff, because a shit ton of stuff is slipping into early 2020

Delay city, all abord! Next stop: Delay City. Nothing surprising is coming this year, nothing out of left field. The games announced for PS4 currently are the ones coming out in the fall. Gears 5 and a new Forza are spearheading the Xbox lineup. Nintendo will not suddenly have a bombshell to drop on us, we will get Animal Crossing and like it.

And boy will this be the year of broken promises, as everybody wants to save their big guns for new consoles in 2020. I would not be shocked if Ghost of Tsushima, The Last of Us Part II, Death Stranding, Halo Infinite, Metroid Prime 4, Bayonetta 3, and others get pushed to make the Xbox Scarlet and PS5 look better at launch. Some of those will come out, but not all of them. No way no how.

8. A major acquisition is incoming and we are not prepared for it

Somebody big is buying somebody else soon, and none of us can stop it. Late stage capitalism is coming for us all, and it will devour the world until there is but one company standing and every dollar in the world’s economy is sucked dry. So either a platform holder buys a legit studio, or two companies merge, or Tencent purchases everyone with all the money they earn under the table. Most likely Microsoft buys an indie team or mid-level studio to satisfy the fanatics out there.

9. Valve announces work on a new game

It happens: #Half-Life3. No, not really, but I think they ramp up the teases for something new, maybe DOTA or VR related, maybe something new, maybe a Counter-Strike thing, or a new Left 4 Dead. That would be great. This also does not include Campo Santo, who they bought a while back, I will not count that.

Image result for in the valley of gods

10. The Game of the Year has not been announced yet

Mystery game wins December 2019, you heard it here first!

Bonus: every video game movie coming out will be bad

Detective Pikachu, Sonic the Hedgehog, does not matter, they’ll all suck. I’ll see you in 2020 if the world doesn’t end by then, to see how I did.

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You Won’t Believe This, But That Live-Action Halo TV Series Is Facing Development Troubles!

The series has lost director Rupert Wyatt, and reports of budget concerns put the adaption’s future in jeopardy. But what else is new?



I’ve been following film and TV news for the better part of a decade and a half, and writing about it for nearly as long. And, in that time, you start to become numb to the cycle of development — creatives are always leaving, executives are always balking, and yada yada yada. Let’s just say there’s a reason why most of the movies in development hell stay there — once a project begins circling the drain, it’s hard to really pull it back out. So after years of this painful back and forth — this developmental ballet — I start to lose faith entirely. For pop culture that has been developing for years, my optimism for it actually get made morphs into the fun category of “I’ll believe it when I fucking see it.” Which, for the record, is why I still don’t believe Kingdom Hearts III is coming out next month. I don’t care that it has a release date, I don’t care that it has gone gold — until the damn thing is in my hands, it’s just vaporware. And you know what else is just vaporware? That goddamn Halo TV series.

Or should I say live-action Halo movie. Really, it’s all the same tale — Hollywood has been trying to monetize the Halo brand since shortly after the first game was released, and became one of the defining video game titles of this millennium. Creating a movie just seemed like the next logical step, and Hollywood recruited Alex Garland to do just that. And Peter Jackson to do just that. And Neil Blomkamp to do just that.  And D.B. Weiss to do just that. And so on and so on. Eventually, that entire project stalled and Microsoft, with the live-action rights back in their hands, decided to shift the game’s adaptation to the world of television, and partnered with a pretty big name to do it: producer Steven Spielberg.

That was five years ago. Just to show how much the world of TV has changed since then, Microsoft initially planned to release the series independently, through the Xbox TV brand. That brand no longer exists which, to these outside eyes, would seem to indicate the TV series was no longer happening. But, nope! After years of silence, Microsoft returned and announced that the TV series was still happening (sure), and that it would be released on Showtime (sure.) A little more time passed. I assumed the concept of a Showtime produced Halo TV series was just some weird fever dream I had. And then, boom! the Halo TV series was off towards the races, with Showtime hiring on showrunner Kyle Killen, a bunch of writers, a big name director — everything! The plan was set for filming to commence at the tail end of 2018, for a late 2019 launch.

And I never believed that shit for a goddamn second. This is a Halo live-action project we are talking about. It’s doomed to fail. And if news from today is any indication, the process has begun in earnest.

As reported by Variety, the “big-name” director hired to helm many episodes of the project, Rupert Wyatt (Rise of the Planet of the Apes), has departed the series. On the surface, it seems like an innocent enough departure: standard scheduling issues. Wyatt even released this statement corroborating the reported reason:

“It’s with great disappointment that changes to the production schedule of Halo prevent me from continuing in my role as a director on the series. My time on Halo has been a creatively rich and rewarding experience with a phenomenal team of people. I now join the legion of fans out there, excited to see the finished series and wishing everyone involved the very best.”

So yeah: “changes to the production schedule” is the culprit. But the question must be asked: why did the production schedule change in the first place?

Well, thankfully, /Film looked into just that, and found that production on the series is not going as smooth as it might have sounded like it was a few months ago. The budget “has spiraled out of control” according to the website’s sources, and the people in charge are none to happy about what the series is becoming. Well the first few scripts were in line with what Showtime was looking for, latter scripts saw “the entire series balloon in size and cost, leading to some cold feet.” Well it’s possible the series might work through these issues (Game of Thrones, which Showtime is clearly hoping to ape here, ended up doing so), history is not on this franchise’s side as it paves its way to the live-action realm.

And, in my mind, that makes absolute sense. Putting aside the curse an old Hollywood witch doctor performed upon this franchise some time ago, I always thought that TV was a weird fit for the Halo brand. The games are massive, large scale explorations of intergalactic war. They are big war movies, essentially. Unlike Game of Thrones (which peppered its big fantasy moments with plenty of scenes involving political intrigue, dramatic exchanges, and other TV budget friendly concepts), there’s not a whole lot more to Halo than the big action sequences and massive, universe spanning lore. Which is fine and dandy for a big blockbuster movie to tackle. But a TV series? I literally did not see how this could happen. And if these troubles just continue to get worse and worse, that may indeed be the case. Will yet another live action Halo project fall apart right before it reaches the starting line?

…Probably, yeah.

Also published on Medium.

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Cuphead Bosses, Ranked in Terms of Difficulty (In Getting Them to Help Me Move This Weekend)

The boss characters of Cuphead are notoriously a challenge…to get to help with even the most basic of moving requests! Fuckers.



This is a real list of the Cuphead bosses, ranked in order of difficulty. It also is a tier list of difficulty to get them to help me move this weekend from Brooklyn to Manhattan, specifically Chelsea, so I can get to work without a real commute. A five-minute walk is way better than an hour train ride or taxi back home, after all.

Will any of these overpowered assholes lend a hand? Let’s dive in and find out.

S Tier

Grim Matchstick

Fuck this dragon. Fuck him to hell. He is the hardest boss in the game…to theoretically help me move in over a weekend. This guy would dodge you forever, never get back to you, burn your stuff with his fire breath turning into little jumping marching fuckers, and the whole time you just jump from cloud to cloud in the opposite direction like an asshole. Fuck this boss. I hate him. Fuck him forever.

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Rumor Honeybottoms

I hate this bitch, woo boy. Boy oh boy did my life slowly lose years as my cells disintegrated one by one. I cannot express in words how disgusting and difficult it was to beat this queen bee bitch motherfucker shit cock it makes me so mad. I wouldn’t even want to ask her to help me move because I know what her answer would be and I don’t want to hear any sass or attitude. Even her minions are the damn worst: the fucking pig cop and bees, and those other bastards. And her pink balls of death to boot! The whole stage is impossible, and no one that disorganized in life can or should help me move my stuff, which is already so neatly labeled and divided into boxes

Dr. Kahl

Another total jerk, wow, can this dude please fuck off. Too busy building robots and shit that piss me off, not enough time being a reliable friend who can give me free medical advice or, you know, help me move this weekend. You can’t see his health bar or use the progress meter to determine how far you are in the fight, and you can’t see his schedule or determine if he’s really going to a wedding out of state and“just can’t, man”, or whatever. None of his robot bots or little bombs and aeroplanes would help either, they would just get in the way. This was just infuriating and grueling and grinding for no reason and I had to be in the air the entire time. Fuck this shit, I’ll move in to my new apartment all by myself.

A Tier

Beppi the Clown

Fuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuck this clown and fuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuck him getting near my stuff and getting clown make-up all over it. Fuck his circus friends, and his roller coaster, and the merry-go-round, and all of that other shit in the way. The dog balloons that track you, it’s all too zany and crowded and suffocating and Beppi can go fuck himself and find a new profession. He is someone who would say yes, I think, but like I would have to do him a favor and ,yeah, no: I’m not having this guy in my life. Ever. Fuck clowns.

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Wally Warbles

Why is there a bird stuck in a birdhouse, and why is there a baby bird in an egg, and at the end, why is he fighting from an old timey hospital stretcher? How is this dingus supposed to help anyone, let alone himself? Also, this fight is a pain in the ass. Same with attempting to ask for help this weekend when I hire the movers to come over and drive between boroughs and unpack my stuff up four flights of stairs. It’s extra for the movers to go without the elevator, that’s why I need friends. Is Wally one of those reliable friends? No, no he is not. I mean, possibly, if he had hands with fingers and not wings and feathers. God damn there is no room on the screen for this boss fight and I hate it. The art is cool but it is so fucking cumbersome to dodge for so long without hitting him. Screw Wally.

The Devil

The literal devil would want me to check back into hell soon, why would I hit up his phone asking for more help? I’m not signing any deal with the devil for a move this Saturday.

Hopus Pocus

This is one of those mini-bosses during the King Dice fight, and he was the hardest for me IMHO. And I want nothing I own to disappear if he were to help me move. He has that crazed look in his eye, this fucking rabbit. He might like, want shit, and steal it by hiding it and doing magic and other garbage tactics like that.  I don’t like him, I don’t like dodging his moves, and I don’t like that look. That crazy look. It’s unsettling.

Phear Leap

Another King Dice mini-boss who sucks ass, but this time part of the screen is obscured for no god damn reason. Asshole. Trees and shit going by, you can’t see anything. No way, nah, I don’t fuck with that, or a skeleton horse who gambles on the ponies. He probably owes people money, and I don’t want that involved in my life. “Hey, can you help me move Friday?” “Sure, you owe me though! Ha ha.” And then I get my thumbs broken. No thank you.

B Tier

Phantom Express

This is my favorite boss battle in the entire game, and is only difficult because of the large amount of twists and different segments, and how slightly different they were back-to-back. sprinkled with lots of floating soap bars to parry. But it’s awesome, aesthetically and mechanically, it’s just super cool to learn the steps slowly and beat this right before the ending boss at the casino. But I’m not sure who on the train would come help me move, like which skeleton dude. And I can’t rely on any of them, since some don’t have hands, only wheels. Like, the conductor? Or the first ghost guy with the eyes? Can he even see what he’s doing? Who knows, but at least they seem nice enough to want to help, even if they can’t.

Ribby and Croaks

An unexpectedly tough fight for being so early in the game. I blame the fact that these two fucker frogs pull a Dragon Ball Z and fuse together to form an unholy alliance: a fucking slot machine that spits out the hardest shit to avoid. And half the time you can’t damage this stupid thing! The ending of this fight, and whatever comes before to whittle your health away, is dumb and I do not like it. Also, while it would be good to have two guys help lift boxes up the stairs, especially strong ones like boxers, I get the feeling they are too busy “training” or “working out” to do anything. Muscle heads. They wouldn’t take off their boxing gloves anyways, in order to lift anything. They would just drop it and blame each other. Asshats.

Image result for cuphead bosses

Cala Maria

I would be too afraid to talk to her, or even approach her, to engage in a discussion about whatever inane bullshit I have going on in my life, let alone the nerve to say two words to Cala Maria. It’s not intimidation or timidness, really, just the way she shakes her hips in the water, it’s mesmerizing. I can’t talk to her. We’re moving on now to the next boss.

Djimmi the Great

This sneaky motherfucker. This magical, dodging little shit. He would be the kind of guy to lie to you and say “yeah I’ll be there, for sure” and then at the last second send a text message with some lame ass excuse and bounce. He’d duck you for two weeks and then ask, like a smug asshole “how did the move go?” Great Djimmi…it went great. Thanks a fucking lot.


Pirouletta seems very stuck up, and prissy, and I don’t even know why I would need her. Can she lift? Can she endure the stairs up and down for an hour? Why would she want to? Because she knows me? Is that a good enough reason? Maybe she is nice enough to offer, and I would just say no and go without the hassle. Or maybe I wouldn’t even mention it to her at all. I really don’t know.

King Dice

You don’t ask him to move. You ask him if he needs help with his move.

C Tier

Cagney Carnation

This entire section involves people who are real 50/50 calls, and Cagney is just a weirdo. A total weirdo who I don’t like fighting, and I would be unsettled being around him. Anger problems. Not hygienic. Creepy friends. Bad company. Vines with thorns. The whole thing irks me, and while I could use his help, and he might say yes, I just don’t see this happening. His arm length would be appreciated, but I don’t want to pick leaves and shit off the floor after he left, and I don’t want my new place to smell. Sorry bud.

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Captain Brineybeard

I would like, hang out with this guy, but only in certain places. Not in my home. Not getting anything wet, he would show up drunk, and happily so, and just fucking destroy shit. No thanks. His whale and squid would be too much of a hassle too. Again, the help is appreciated, but one laser beam and it’s all over. Fuck that, no thank you, see you next week Captain.

Tipsy Troop

Three alcoholics? Yeah, okay. I can convince them to do anything, but who needs that, honestly?

Baroness Von Bon Bon

I’m going to assume she is royalty, which means I can’t approach her, get near her, ask her to go to a sub-par neighborhood, or have her touch anything that would dirty her gloves. Really I would want to hang with the candy and waffles and shit that protect her, THOSE people I would fuck with. But if they’re busy guarding the castle, the gingerbread one with pink frosting, then it might be hard to manage the schedules and I would just not bother. That’s what this tier is really for: these bosses could go either way and it makes it hard to pull off, you know? No hard yes or no, but just this weird lingering dance of words. Moving sucks.

Mr. Wheezy

HELL NO am I having this dirt bag over. HELL NO am I having his wheezy ass huff and puff and fail to help me at all. HELL NO am I having this sleazy scumbag get my shit covered in smoke, smelling up the joint. He would want to be there in a heartbeat, and he would say yes of course, and just smoke the whole time. Nope. Don’t want or need his help. It’s too much of a detriment, and the cost analysis of this premise is just C- tier all the way. Nope nope nope.

D Tier

Hilda Berg

On the surface, she seems like a big bloated fatass who loves to complain. But that’s because she IS a big bloated fatass who loves to complain! Which is why she would easily be a good friend of mine, and at least show up to my move to heckle me as I do everything, but then offer to get food afterwards because she is always hungry.

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Chips Bettigan

I would use Chips to gamble my life savings away in a casino so I had enough to just live in a mansion and buy new clothes and furniture. Fuck moving, I’ll bet it all on red on the roulette wheel!

Sally Stageplay

I was a drama kid, and I feel very connected to Sally and that dude in the background. We stage people stick together, and she would show up no problem. And hopefully that other dude, who just shows up every now and again. Stage hands are good at carrying things!

Werner Werman

I am not a rat. I cannot trust rats. Rats are disgusting, and he seems like a German Nazi rat. I don’t know about this guy, but if he builds a cool cat robot to help me, then by all means! Join in and help lift boxes from the truck to the living room. How would a cat do that? I have no clue, but he should be able to build the cat with thumbs, that would do the trick.

Pip and Dot

Two heads are better than one, and Pip and Dot seem cool. I like playing Dominoes, I don’t know if that is cool with them or like a war crime to their people, but I would get along with them enough to triple the workload. I also don’t know if they’re too small or not, I don’t have a sense of scale on their actual size but I need all the help I can get.

F Tier


Mangosteen is an anthropomorphize magic 8-ball, so he can only bring me good luck, right? And he always has a smile on his face, so that’s encouraging, probably a good spirit to be around, bring you some energy after a hard day of moving. Moving always brings so much stress and anxiety, nobody enjoys it, so why not have Mangosteen around to chill with, you know?

Goopy Le Grande

Goopy would be immensely helpful, I think, because of his literal and figurative flexibility. Being able to help me plug in things behind furniture, growing big to carry boxes up stairs, it would be a dream to just knock everything out in one day and then grab food after. He obviously is a polite man, tipping his cap to start the fight in the game, and I feel guilty for killing him and then shooting his headstone, but Goopy is straight with me, he’s legit. A true homie through and through.

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The Root Pack

I would just eat them for energy, so I can unpack faster and set up my new place.

Mr. Chimes

I love this dude, and I wouldn’t even ask him to help me in any way, because I just want him around to make me happy. We can just play puzzle games all the live long day, and then he’d clap his cymbals together and I’d laugh, and it would be just a rather refreshing experience, overall, I feel, to have Mr. Chimes around for an afternoon.

Lollygagging about in my brand new apartment. Just me and my best pal, Mr. Chimes. That’s the dream, folks.

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