Don’t You Dare Fucking Tempt Me With Tom Hardy in Your Little Venom Movie, Sony


Improper use of Tom Hardy’s screen presence is an act outlawed by the Geneva Convention, if I recall.


So…in the latest Fast and Furious film, series hero Dom is pushed to turn against his team because the bad guy of the film (a snarling Charlie Theron) is holding someone important to him hostage. This person is so important to Dom that he becomes willing to do pretty much anything to save him, including going up against his better instincts and judgment. This all makes a lot of sense when the person in question turns out to be (umm, spoilers for The Fate of the Furious, I guess) Dom’s son, as the idea of family is very much central to that franchise, don’t ya know.

All of this is to say that, a few weeks after viewing The Fate of the Furious, I TOTALLY understand how Dom felt whilst under the thumb of Theron’s Cipher character. How the idea of experiencing something so awful is paramount, simply because it involves helping someone you care about. In my situation, Theron is Sony. The awful experience is their upcoming Venom movie. And Vin Diesel’s baby is, apparently, Tom Hardy.

Because, according to Variety, Sony has chosen the Mad Max: Fury Road star to lead their Venom film, a project that I remind you I have nothing but bad things to say about. But now that it stars Hardy? No longer, because as much as I might say that Venom is representative of everything wrong with modern franchise filmmaking, or a sign of further desperation from a studio on decline, or just a stupid, stupid, STUPID idea that should never be made…it’s also now a movie that will star one of the best actors in Hollywood. So that’s kind of annoying.

For what it’s worth, at least Hardy seems happy. The actor (reportedly a big fan of the character) released the following picture after his casting was revealed:


So if it makes Hardy happy, then whatever I guess. I still don’t think this project is worth ANYBODY’s time, let alone a great actor like Hardy, but maybe he’ll figure out something of interest in this enterprise. The director certainly won’t be the one doing it: also attached to news of Hardy’s involvement in the film was word that Ruben “Diminishing Returns” Fleischer will be behind the camera. Umm, at least Zombieland was a great movie, right? 30 Minutes or Less and Gangster Squad, on the other hand…

Let’s just say I’m looking forward to seeing Tom Hardy and his dog on the red carpet more than anything else about this project. But in my defense…how could I not?