I am committed to this bit now, aren’t I?
Okay listen, I ran out of ideas and E3 is coming up next week and I’m going on vacation watching every second of it, and this was the best I could come up with in short notice. It’s really dumb, I hate doing these joke lists with so few actual items to rank, but here we are. I’m lazy, I’ll be in E3 bliss coming up, this is all you’re getting, deal with it.
Here is where I usually post the criteria, but really there isn’t one. They’re fucking colors. For fictional weapons. For not even all of the movies, and by the way, three of them are unwatchable canon breaking garbage that should be removed from the public record. Except the memes that live online, those are the only nuggets of value that came from those fucking prequels. The memes, and the score. That’s it.
I researched this way too much, and actually learned something along the way. I found a wonderful article from the fine folks at Thought Co. Here is where I got the information from, and I added in some choice quotes from the experts there. Check them out, they seem cool.
7. Dumb Looking White
“Ahsoka Tano was the first character to wield white-bladed sabers (as an adult, on Star Wars Rebels). The story of how she acquired white Kyber crystals has yet to be told.”
Yeah, I can confirm this is dumb looking. It just doesn’t work. I know the crystals inside each saber are colored differently, and that’s how each one gets their color, but a white crystal is just a regular crystal. White Kyber crystals are lame, this just looks weak. Get a shiny silver sword or something with more visual flair; nobody buys a white sports jersey, they get one with color on it! It stands out better. Fuck white.
And speaking of fuck whites, you know what needs to stop? White people who come up with movie conspiracy theories. Stop that. Please. Find another way to goat people into clicking on something. I’ll defend interpretations of art as much as the next guy, but there is some bullshit being rammed down our throats, everyone is trying to force everything to be connected or explained. Come the fuck on, it was neat when the first big one came out about Pixar films being in the same universe, but now it’s gone too far. Do something more productive with your time, like ranking lightsaber colors nevermind let’s move on to the next item on the list.
6. Piss Yellow
“Double-bladed yellow sabers are used exclusively by Jedi Temple Guards.”
Why do they have to be double-bladed? Why did Lucas introduce this to the canon, and now we all have to endure this nonsense for the rest of our lives? Lightsabers were supposed to be the sci-fi version of medieval swords, or Japanese samurai swords, not whatever Darth Maul had. And yellow? Really? Don’t get me wrong, I like that color on things like bananas and Spongebob, but it’s not an intimidating sight for a Jedi or Sith. Sorry, it’s not; it’s like your saber is malfunctioning. Do you remember the explosion the moment we all saw Kylo Ren’s busted ass saber? We spent weeks looking at that frame in the trailer!
While I’m on the subject, I have fucking had it with frame by frame trailer breakdowns looking for easter eggs, because a lot of these movies either end up sucking hard or we just obsess over Rogue One footage missing, because that is how films are made. They get reshot and marketing is not your friend, internet. Trailers are not made by the creative team behind your favorite movies, they are made in an editing bay to trick and deceive you into selling tickets. Also known as giving studios your money. Why have an enthusiast site anymore when Time Magazine is breaking down the Alien Covenant trailer for clues, a former legitimate news entity has been debased to feeding you idiots this trash, because they need those tasty hits yum yum yum and you need to taste the newest footage om nom nom.
5. Samuel L. Jackson’s Purple
“A rarer lightsaber color seen on some Jedi blades. Best known for its use by Mace Windu.”
Sorry Mace Windu defenders; he’s a bad character played by a world-class actor, in a horrible role with awful lines to deliver and no real arc or motivation. Being a ‘good’ Jedi with no other defining features is boring and lazy screenwriting. And while purple is cool on paper, really what happened was Sam Jackson asked George Lucas to have his be purple and Lucas said ‘sure, fuck it’. That’s it. No more further context or backstory behind it, no meaning, nothing interesting. Just a way to shoehorn in a new color for the toy line. Weak.
You also know what’s weak? New social media apps. Stop it, not everything is going to turn into a platform. It’s too late and you missed the window and it’s really not going to happen. Honestly, it’s fun to think that’s a thing, something new and smart that could topple Twitter or Facebook, the giants. Never going to happen. Go start something else….up. Peach? Google Plus? Mastodon? You stole a metal band’s name are you fucking serious with that shit? Your users will dwindle, and you’re going to become a punch line on Twitter soon, a sad meme and then maybe if you’re lucky a trivial pursuit question in 20 years. If myspace couldn’t be revived, and if snapchat’s stock keeps falling thanks to Mark Zuckerberg’s evil plans to rule the world, then you have no chance. Zero. None.
4. Lame Blue
“Probably the most standard color for a Jedi lightsaber. Used by Obi-Wan Kenobi and Anakin Skywalker.”
You guys hear a foghorn? BOOOOOOOOOORRRRRIIIIIIINNNNNNNGGGG. This is the most generic of all the colors. It’s fine. I could have done without the double blue at the end of Revenge of the Sith, in that duel above the lava. It’s just so overused at this point, and every trailer and poster has it now, but I get it; it’s necessary for the dichotomy going on at the heart of Star Wars. Blue, pshhhhhh.
You know what also makes me blue? Not being able to watch sports on anything but a TV connected to a fucking cable package. Fuck you, TV and telecomm industry! You can suck my dick, you stupid motherfuckers. Put that shit on my phone and tablet and computer for free, with whatever ads you want, I don’t care, but there should be zero difference between a TV in a living room or pizza parlor, and whatever device I paid several hundred dollars for. Air your games on the thing I’m staring at most of the day so I don’t have to notice my co-workers or family or the creeps on my train to work. Nielsen ratings, advertising industrial complex, ESPN, they are all dragging us all down. Shut it down, all of it. Cable, you’re dead, and you don’t even know it. Go to where the people are, the future! You idiots.
3. Black aka the Darksaber from the extended universe
“There is only one “Darksaber,” as it’s known, and it’s an ancient weapon stolen from the Jedi hundreds of years prior to the Clone Wars by the Mandalorians. Making it even more unique than its color, the Darksaber had a flat, curved blade that made its shape resemble a real sword. It eventually came into the possession of Darth Maul during the Clone Wars, but its current whereabouts are unknown.”
This thing is fucking cool and the backstory is awesome, but it can only be done once and not overused or else it loses the coolness. Black is the new black, sorry orange.
You know what I’m not done yet, with these fucking scumbag internet companies, please fuck off. Please go jump off a cliff, whoever runs Time Warner and Verizon and whoever else completely owns our internet service. They don’t ‘provide it’, they hold it hostage, and then sell our browsing history to advertisers and the highest bidder. Asshole monopolies that think they can do whatever the hell they want because we have no other options, which we don’t, and it’s not like this sham of a mess of a mockery of a travesty of a tragedy of a country is going to spend anything on infrastructure any time soon. The speed, the service, the lack of upgrade and options, it’s pathetic and insulting. Internet should be a human right at this point, and South Korea and Europe put us to shame. TO SHAME. The U.S. shouldn’t be a third world country but it’s starting to feel that way, what with the gun deaths from white nationalists and mentally ill who get their hands on guns, and the opioid deaths that go untreated, and the rampant racist and sexist and classism, and the over populated jails to keep the private prison system flush with cash, and the crumbling roads and bridges, AND DOES DETROIT HAVE CLEAN WATER YET? Don’t even get me started on net neutrality! I get charged for going over my data limit while Microsoft forces me to fucking download everything on my Xbox because we live in a digital world, are you kidding me? Colluding, spineless dirtbags, they can eat shit and die.
2. Underrated Return of the Jedi Green
“A secondary Jedi blade color of equal significance to blue. Used by Luke Skywalker, Qui-Gon Jinn, and Yoda.”
I’ve always been partial to the green saber, just because of the variety it offers. After the first two films, Luke rocked the green saber when he became the ultimate badass, and I’ve always associated green with being a full Jedi master, whereas blue is more of the trainer color. Yoda also cannot use any other color, and that means green is automatically better.
You know what ticks me off? People in the media, who I dearly love and respect, who keep suggesting and predicting that tech devices and consoles should just be called “Xbox” or “Playstation” or “iPhone” and nothing else. Stop it. We get it. It’s dumb and lazy. That shit is confusing and does not work, and is short sighted. Do not put those ideas into people’s heads because you think the Scorpio or PS5 or whatever needs to do that. It doesn’t. Have any of you ever A) bought a fucking iPad and needed help figuring out which one you bought or B) taken a fucking marketing course, come on now, give consumers some more credit for crying out loud. They aren’t ALL stupid mindless zombies. Half the problem with technology now are the ridiculous names companies and start-ups keep coming up with. Oath? Flixr? Beam? Mixer? Saying it is moronic and I hate all of you.
1. The best, Red, obviously
“Evil Force users wield red-bladed weapons because of the synthetic Kyber crystals at their core. Used by Darth Vader, Darth Maul, Darth Sidious, Count Dooku, Inquisitors, and Kylo Ren.”
Of fucking course this is number one, who are we kidding. Other than the fact that it looks the coolest, has the best characters using it, it also has a great reason behind the color. Synthetic Kyber crystals makes so much sense when you consider who the Sith really are, a bunch of degenerates who wish they were good and wise and Jedi quality people. They aren’t, so they banded together because they couldn’t be in the club, made their own shit DIY style, and sought revenge. Kylo Ren’s saber is the best example of storytelling through using a particular weapon, in the same way other character traits can be picked up from the type of weapon they use (Dirty Harry, Captain America, etc.).
…why are there 2 games named Doom, Battlefront and Battlefront 2? There cannot be two Devil May Cries and God of Wars and Twisted Metals. Stop giving reboot movies and games the same fucking title. Be a little more original and creative. “Oh you playing Doom?” “Which one, the old one or the new one?” “What about Smash Bros.?” “Brawl or Melee?” “No, 4.” “Wait, it wasn’t called that, which one is 4?” I’m going to blow my brains out, the SEO alone is enough to scramble them anyways.
But, yeah, red for the win.