Ah, E3 — a glorious time to be a gamer, especially if you are one who obsesses over gameplay demos, hardware unveilings, and long, boisterous speeches about how awesome video game companies are. It’s like the Oscar season, but takes place in like three days, and is more about the things we WANT to like rather than the things we actually like. Or, more appropriately, what the Academy tells us we SHOULD like…but that’s neither here nor there.
Regardless, I am obviously a fan of all things mentioned, as I have been watching E3 press conferences for over a decade at this point. I’ve never actually attended the event (and in all honesty, not sure I even want to), but most of the exciting stuff happens during the press conferences anyways. And even though the process has changed (livestreaming from Youtube is sure different from autotuning the network to G4), the actual press conferences remain pretty much the same. The companies are going to come out, present their wares, and try to wow those watching both physically and at home. So which E3 presentations will end up doing just that? It’s hard to say for sure, but, hell, might as well try anyways! Here are the 10 things that will almost certainly be at the event that I am most excited to see.
10. South Park: The Fractured But Whole
This will end up being the third E3 for South Park: The Fractured But Whole…and, hopefully, the last. The game, delayed eternally since its announcement back in E3 2015, seems to finally have a firm release date of October 22, 2017, and Ubisoft will surely take the time to give The Fractured But Whole one final splash before its (hopeful) release. The last two times we’ve seen South Park at E3 has been extremely entertaining, and I’m hoping for similar here. I don’t even need a grander look at the mechanics or story or anything like that: just bring the jokes for a couple of minutes, and I’ll be happy.
9. Super Mario Odyssey
The last few Nintendo Direct’s that the company has hosted (E3 or otherwise) have been laughably bad in my opinion, and even bolstered by the initial success of the Nintendo Switch, I don’t expect this year’s presentation to be much different. That being said…is there ever a time in which seeing a new Mario game ISN’T cool? The 3D platforming is just so fun to watch, and if you can depend on Nintendo for anything, it’s innovative and cool-looking level design. I probably won’t be playing Super Mario Odyssey anytime soon, but watching it get played? Guaranteed to be a fun time.
8. Gameplay from Call of Duty: WWII
Call of Duty at E3 has been a yearly tradition for nearly a decade at this point…and a not particularly exciting one for at least half that time. The last one I remember enjoying was for Modern Warfare 2 way back in 2009 and, since then, Activision has just been banking on the same ol’ same old: a rather long, extended look at an action moment from the game, showing off futuristic hardware and boring shooting, capped off by one cool-in-the-moment, but later forgettable, set-piece. They’ve all started to run together in my mind since Black Ops, and it’s to the point that the whole thing just seems like a necessity to power through, rather than something actually fun to watch (also see: the twenty minute sizzle-reel of EA Sports titles.)
But this year will, hopefully, be different. It will be the first time we get to see extended gameplay from Call of Duty: WWII, the most promising Call of Duty game in a LONG time. Taking things back to World War II will be good for the game overall, but even better for the presentation: though it will likely have some similarities with past Call of Duty reveals (the lame dialogue and big, forgettable set-piece likely aren’t going anywhere), but the setting will put a whole different feel to the proceedings. For the first time in a while, the general atmosphere surrounding a new Call of Duty game is excitement. I can only hope that the gameplay presentation (likely during Sony’s press conference) will be able to keep those good vibes flowing.
7. Middle-Earth: Shadow of War
We’ve already seen quite a bit of content from Middle-Earth: Shadow of War…but why not more, huh? The original was was one of the biggest surprises of the current generation, and the sequel so far looks to be a worthy follow-up. It’s likely that Shadow of War will be a part of Microsoft’s press conference on Sunday, and I’m hoping for an extremely epic, decent-sized chunk of gameplay. With Shadow of War releasing in just a few short months, I would be surprised to see otherwise.
6. The Last of Us: Part 2
For what it’s worth, we still don’t quite know if The Last of Us Part 2 will be at E3…but if I was a betting man, I would say that Sony “Yeah, Bring Everything!!” Computer Entertainment won’t balk at the opportunity to show off more of its crown jewel to an eager, excited audience. I don’t expect to see gameplay at this point (Sony can still get a lot of mileage off an extended, more detailed trailer), but Naughty Dog has always brought their A-game when it comes to E3 presentations. We’re probably get something cool, at the very least.
5. The Latest Weird Thing from Death Stranding
Will this be the E3 in which we finally see a gameplay demo from Death Stranding? If I were to guess, the answer would be no — I doubt Death Stranding will be released until next Fall at the earliest, and a gameplay reveal at E3 is probably too soon (if we see it this year, it will be at Gamescom or Playstation Experience — but that too is a big “if.”)
But does that mean we won’t get anything from Death Stranding at all? Me thinks no, as that would be both a very un-Sony AND un-Hideo Kojima thing to do. Death Stranding will pop up at some point during Sony’s presentation, but in what form it will be is anybody’s guess. But considering the hypnotically bizarre last few trailers, I’m excited to see whatever this project throws at me. CGI Guillermo del Toro breast feeding a child with black, inky goo as CGI Mads Mikkelsen watches? Sure, why the hell not — I’ll end up wanting to play the damn thing regardless.
4. Insomniac’s Spider-Man Game
I have been excited about the possibilities of an Insomniac-helmed Spider-Man game since it was first announced at last year’s E3, and it’s been quite a while since we’ve seen anything new from the game. Expect that to change next week, however, as this is the perfect opportunity for Sony to build up buzz for their upcoming exclusive. Excitement is building up for the character with the forthcoming release of Spider-Man: Homecoming, and I doubt Sony is going to balk at the opportunity to build off of synergy game/movie synergy by NOT showing the game off in a big way. I expect quite a bit here: an extended gameplay demo, a description of what the story will actually be, and (perhaps most importantly), a release date at the end of the year (I want to say…October?) Needless to say, as a massive fan of the character and many of the video games he has featured in, I’m excited to see more.
3. All Things Star-Wars
On the theme of “synergistic video game releases slated for this year,” it’s going to be a good E3 for the Star Wars brand. Ever since EA got the rights to make games in the franchise, they have always had a big segment of their press conference devoted to the future of Star Wars games, and this year will be no different. In fact, this will probably be the biggest showing of Star Wars at E3 to date — not only will a big chunk of EA’s Press Conference be devoted to gameplay from this year’s Star Wars: Battlefront II, but I also fully expect a trailer for the Star Wars game in development from EA Motive and Visceral Games. Last year, we got a really quick look at the latter game, but it’s high time the project get an actual coming out party.
Ultimately, EA will want to keep focus on Battlefront II, and I’m sure most of the conference will be devoted to that (hell, they might just do what they did last year with Battlefield 1, and have like an hour of Battlefront II multiplayer attached to their livestream.) But I still think we’ll get an Old Republic-esque teaser trailer for the other game, complete with an actual title. And if Star Wars past history at E3 is any indication, it will probably be worth getting excited about.
2. The Xbox Scorpio Unveiled
You might notice that this list is pretty short on the Microsoft side of things — that’s mostly because the company has the smallest slate of all the publishers having a press conference this year. There’s Sea of Thieves, and Crackdown 3, and State of Decay 3, and…well, that’s kind of it. But on the hardware side of things, Microsoft clearly has a leg up on everybody else — they’re showing off a whole new console, essentially.
After teasing the Xbox Scorpio at last year’s E3, Microsoft has a hell out of a lot of build-up to bring people on to the hype game. But Microsoft is pretty adept at getting people excited about their consoles and, as an Xbox One owner, I’m extremely curious to see just what Scorpio actually looks like with the layers of secrecy shaved off. I’m a sucker for console reveals and, even if Xbox Scorpio doesn’t literally measure at 27 teraflops and cures cancer, nothing gets me more hot and bothered at E3 than a sexy, sexy console unveiling. That being said, some exciting games would be nice too, Microsoft.
On that note, however…
1. All The Things I Can’t Predict
I usually balk at making lists like this for E3, for one reason and one reason only: more than anything else, the thing I end up loving about E3 is the things I could NEVER predict. The surprise announcements that we know nothing about, the leaks that finally get proven, and the games that end up making surprise appearances. On that front, this E3 has plenty of possibilities :
- What will Bethesda have in store this year? Is that space RPG they’ve been working on finally getting it’s time in the spotlight? (Possibly!)
- Will Kingdom Hearts 3 come and show us more bits of nothingness, with further promises of it being “in development” and yet little to show for it? (Probably!)
- What embarrassing nonsense will Ubisoft get itself into this year? (Mr. Caffeine returns as Mr. Covfefe — you heard it hear first, folks!)
- What cute and charming nonsense will Nintendo get itself into this year? (Has Reggie ever been animated like a Paper Mario character?)
- Will Borderlands 3 get its grand revealing? (could happen!)
- Will Red Dead Redemption 2 show up (don’t bet your life on it!)
All these questions and more are the things that I’ll later go on to cherish about my experience with E3: every press conference comes with a handful of mysteries, and things we can’t entirely predict. And if that’s not the fun of watching these otherwise dry conferences for hours on end, then just what is?
In case you need a reminder, here’s a list of all the big press conferences happening next week. Schedule those reminders, people!
- EA — Saturday, June 10 at 12 PM PT
- Microsoft — Sunday, June 11 at 2 PM PT
- Bethesda — Sunday, June 11 at 9 PM PT
- Ubisoft — Monday, June 12 at 1 PM PT
- Sony — Monday, June 12 at 6 PM PT
- Nintendo — Tuesday, June 13 at 9 AM PT
And check back to Freshly Popped Culture next week, where we’ll be sure to have a few things up recapping the event. It will probably be me pleasuring myself to Xbox Scorpio specs but, other than that, there should be some good content!
Also published on Medium.
You Won’t Believe This, But That Live-Action Halo TV Series Is Facing Development Troubles!
The series has lost director Rupert Wyatt, and reports of budget concerns put the adaption’s future in jeopardy. But what else is new?
I’ve been following film and TV news for the better part of a decade and a half, and writing about it for nearly as long. And, in that time, you start to become numb to the cycle of development — creatives are always leaving, executives are always balking, and yada yada yada. Let’s just say there’s a reason why most of the movies in development hell stay there — once a project begins circling the drain, it’s hard to really pull it back out. So after years of this painful back and forth — this developmental ballet — I start to lose faith entirely. For pop culture that has been developing for years, my optimism for it actually get made morphs into the fun category of “I’ll believe it when I fucking see it.” Which, for the record, is why I still don’t believe Kingdom Hearts III is coming out next month. I don’t care that it has a release date, I don’t care that it has gone gold — until the damn thing is in my hands, it’s just vaporware. And you know what else is just vaporware? That goddamn Halo TV series.
Or should I say live-action Halo movie. Really, it’s all the same tale — Hollywood has been trying to monetize the Halo brand since shortly after the first game was released, and became one of the defining video game titles of this millennium. Creating a movie just seemed like the next logical step, and Hollywood recruited Alex Garland to do just that. And Peter Jackson to do just that. And Neil Blomkamp to do just that. And D.B. Weiss to do just that. And so on and so on. Eventually, that entire project stalled and Microsoft, with the live-action rights back in their hands, decided to shift the game’s adaptation to the world of television, and partnered with a pretty big name to do it: producer Steven Spielberg.
That was five years ago. Just to show how much the world of TV has changed since then, Microsoft initially planned to release the series independently, through the Xbox TV brand. That brand no longer exists which, to these outside eyes, would seem to indicate the TV series was no longer happening. But, nope! After years of silence, Microsoft returned and announced that the TV series was still happening (sure), and that it would be released on Showtime (sure.) A little more time passed. I assumed the concept of a Showtime produced Halo TV series was just some weird fever dream I had. And then, boom! the Halo TV series was off towards the races, with Showtime hiring on showrunner Kyle Killen, a bunch of writers, a big name director — everything! The plan was set for filming to commence at the tail end of 2018, for a late 2019 launch.
And I never believed that shit for a goddamn second. This is a Halo live-action project we are talking about. It’s doomed to fail. And if news from today is any indication, the process has begun in earnest.
As reported by Variety, the “big-name” director hired to helm many episodes of the project, Rupert Wyatt (Rise of the Planet of the Apes), has departed the series. On the surface, it seems like an innocent enough departure: standard scheduling issues. Wyatt even released this statement corroborating the reported reason:
“It’s with great disappointment that changes to the production schedule of Halo prevent me from continuing in my role as a director on the series. My time on Halo has been a creatively rich and rewarding experience with a phenomenal team of people. I now join the legion of fans out there, excited to see the finished series and wishing everyone involved the very best.”
So yeah: “changes to the production schedule” is the culprit. But the question must be asked: why did the production schedule change in the first place?
Well, thankfully, /Film looked into just that, and found that production on the series is not going as smooth as it might have sounded like it was a few months ago. The budget “has spiraled out of control” according to the website’s sources, and the people in charge are none to happy about what the series is becoming. Well the first few scripts were in line with what Showtime was looking for, latter scripts saw “the entire series balloon in size and cost, leading to some cold feet.” Well it’s possible the series might work through these issues (Game of Thrones, which Showtime is clearly hoping to ape here, ended up doing so), history is not on this franchise’s side as it paves its way to the live-action realm.
And, in my mind, that makes absolute sense. Putting aside the curse an old Hollywood witch doctor performed upon this franchise some time ago, I always thought that TV was a weird fit for the Halo brand. The games are massive, large scale explorations of intergalactic war. They are big war movies, essentially. Unlike Game of Thrones (which peppered its big fantasy moments with plenty of scenes involving political intrigue, dramatic exchanges, and other TV budget friendly concepts), there’s not a whole lot more to Halo than the big action sequences and massive, universe spanning lore. Which is fine and dandy for a big blockbuster movie to tackle. But a TV series? I literally did not see how this could happen. And if these troubles just continue to get worse and worse, that may indeed be the case. Will yet another live action Halo project fall apart right before it reaches the starting line?
Also published on Medium.
Cuphead Bosses, Ranked in Terms of Difficulty (In Getting Them to Help Me Move This Weekend)
The boss characters of Cuphead are notoriously a challenge…to get to help with even the most basic of moving requests! Fuckers.
This is a real list of the Cuphead bosses, ranked in order of difficulty. It also is a tier list of difficulty to get them to help me move this weekend from Brooklyn to Manhattan, specifically Chelsea, so I can get to work without a real commute. A five-minute walk is way better than an hour train ride or taxi back home, after all.
Will any of these overpowered assholes lend a hand? Let’s dive in and find out.
Fuck this dragon. Fuck him to hell. He is the hardest boss in the game…to theoretically help me move in over a weekend. This guy would dodge you forever, never get back to you, burn your stuff with his fire breath turning into little jumping marching fuckers, and the whole time you just jump from cloud to cloud in the opposite direction like an asshole. Fuck this boss. I hate him. Fuck him forever.
I hate this bitch, woo boy. Boy oh boy did my life slowly lose years as my cells disintegrated one by one. I cannot express in words how disgusting and difficult it was to beat this queen bee bitch motherfucker shit cock it makes me so mad. I wouldn’t even want to ask her to help me move because I know what her answer would be and I don’t want to hear any sass or attitude. Even her minions are the damn worst: the fucking pig cop and bees, and those other bastards. And her pink balls of death to boot! The whole stage is impossible, and no one that disorganized in life can or should help me move my stuff, which is already so neatly labeled and divided into boxes
Another total jerk, wow, can this dude please fuck off. Too busy building robots and shit that piss me off, not enough time being a reliable friend who can give me free medical advice or, you know, help me move this weekend. You can’t see his health bar or use the progress meter to determine how far you are in the fight, and you can’t see his schedule or determine if he’s really going to a wedding out of state and“just can’t, man”, or whatever. None of his robot bots or little bombs and aeroplanes would help either, they would just get in the way. This was just infuriating and grueling and grinding for no reason and I had to be in the air the entire time. Fuck this shit, I’ll move in to my new apartment all by myself.
Beppi the Clown
Fuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuck this clown and fuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuck him getting near my stuff and getting clown make-up all over it. Fuck his circus friends, and his roller coaster, and the merry-go-round, and all of that other shit in the way. The dog balloons that track you, it’s all too zany and crowded and suffocating and Beppi can go fuck himself and find a new profession. He is someone who would say yes, I think, but like I would have to do him a favor and ,yeah, no: I’m not having this guy in my life. Ever. Fuck clowns.
Why is there a bird stuck in a birdhouse, and why is there a baby bird in an egg, and at the end, why is he fighting from an old timey hospital stretcher? How is this dingus supposed to help anyone, let alone himself? Also, this fight is a pain in the ass. Same with attempting to ask for help this weekend when I hire the movers to come over and drive between boroughs and unpack my stuff up four flights of stairs. It’s extra for the movers to go without the elevator, that’s why I need friends. Is Wally one of those reliable friends? No, no he is not. I mean, possibly, if he had hands with fingers and not wings and feathers. God damn there is no room on the screen for this boss fight and I hate it. The art is cool but it is so fucking cumbersome to dodge for so long without hitting him. Screw Wally.
The literal devil would want me to check back into hell soon, why would I hit up his phone asking for more help? I’m not signing any deal with the devil for a move this Saturday.
This is one of those mini-bosses during the King Dice fight, and he was the hardest for me IMHO. And I want nothing I own to disappear if he were to help me move. He has that crazed look in his eye, this fucking rabbit. He might like, want shit, and steal it by hiding it and doing magic and other garbage tactics like that. I don’t like him, I don’t like dodging his moves, and I don’t like that look. That crazy look. It’s unsettling.
Another King Dice mini-boss who sucks ass, but this time part of the screen is obscured for no god damn reason. Asshole. Trees and shit going by, you can’t see anything. No way, nah, I don’t fuck with that, or a skeleton horse who gambles on the ponies. He probably owes people money, and I don’t want that involved in my life. “Hey, can you help me move Friday?” “Sure, you owe me though! Ha ha.” And then I get my thumbs broken. No thank you.
This is my favorite boss battle in the entire game, and is only difficult because of the large amount of twists and different segments, and how slightly different they were back-to-back. sprinkled with lots of floating soap bars to parry. But it’s awesome, aesthetically and mechanically, it’s just super cool to learn the steps slowly and beat this right before the ending boss at the casino. But I’m not sure who on the train would come help me move, like which skeleton dude. And I can’t rely on any of them, since some don’t have hands, only wheels. Like, the conductor? Or the first ghost guy with the eyes? Can he even see what he’s doing? Who knows, but at least they seem nice enough to want to help, even if they can’t.
Ribby and Croaks
An unexpectedly tough fight for being so early in the game. I blame the fact that these two fucker frogs pull a Dragon Ball Z and fuse together to form an unholy alliance: a fucking slot machine that spits out the hardest shit to avoid. And half the time you can’t damage this stupid thing! The ending of this fight, and whatever comes before to whittle your health away, is dumb and I do not like it. Also, while it would be good to have two guys help lift boxes up the stairs, especially strong ones like boxers, I get the feeling they are too busy “training” or “working out” to do anything. Muscle heads. They wouldn’t take off their boxing gloves anyways, in order to lift anything. They would just drop it and blame each other. Asshats.
I would be too afraid to talk to her, or even approach her, to engage in a discussion about whatever inane bullshit I have going on in my life, let alone the nerve to say two words to Cala Maria. It’s not intimidation or timidness, really, just the way she shakes her hips in the water, it’s mesmerizing. I can’t talk to her. We’re moving on now to the next boss.
Djimmi the Great
This sneaky motherfucker. This magical, dodging little shit. He would be the kind of guy to lie to you and say “yeah I’ll be there, for sure” and then at the last second send a text message with some lame ass excuse and bounce. He’d duck you for two weeks and then ask, like a smug asshole “how did the move go?” Great Djimmi…it went great. Thanks a fucking lot.
Pirouletta seems very stuck up, and prissy, and I don’t even know why I would need her. Can she lift? Can she endure the stairs up and down for an hour? Why would she want to? Because she knows me? Is that a good enough reason? Maybe she is nice enough to offer, and I would just say no and go without the hassle. Or maybe I wouldn’t even mention it to her at all. I really don’t know.
You don’t ask him to move. You ask him if he needs help with his move.
This entire section involves people who are real 50/50 calls, and Cagney is just a weirdo. A total weirdo who I don’t like fighting, and I would be unsettled being around him. Anger problems. Not hygienic. Creepy friends. Bad company. Vines with thorns. The whole thing irks me, and while I could use his help, and he might say yes, I just don’t see this happening. His arm length would be appreciated, but I don’t want to pick leaves and shit off the floor after he left, and I don’t want my new place to smell. Sorry bud.
I would like, hang out with this guy, but only in certain places. Not in my home. Not getting anything wet, he would show up drunk, and happily so, and just fucking destroy shit. No thanks. His whale and squid would be too much of a hassle too. Again, the help is appreciated, but one laser beam and it’s all over. Fuck that, no thank you, see you next week Captain.
Three alcoholics? Yeah, okay. I can convince them to do anything, but who needs that, honestly?
Baroness Von Bon Bon
I’m going to assume she is royalty, which means I can’t approach her, get near her, ask her to go to a sub-par neighborhood, or have her touch anything that would dirty her gloves. Really I would want to hang with the candy and waffles and shit that protect her, THOSE people I would fuck with. But if they’re busy guarding the castle, the gingerbread one with pink frosting, then it might be hard to manage the schedules and I would just not bother. That’s what this tier is really for: these bosses could go either way and it makes it hard to pull off, you know? No hard yes or no, but just this weird lingering dance of words. Moving sucks.
HELL NO am I having this dirt bag over. HELL NO am I having his wheezy ass huff and puff and fail to help me at all. HELL NO am I having this sleazy scumbag get my shit covered in smoke, smelling up the joint. He would want to be there in a heartbeat, and he would say yes of course, and just smoke the whole time. Nope. Don’t want or need his help. It’s too much of a detriment, and the cost analysis of this premise is just C- tier all the way. Nope nope nope.
On the surface, she seems like a big bloated fatass who loves to complain. But that’s because she IS a big bloated fatass who loves to complain! Which is why she would easily be a good friend of mine, and at least show up to my move to heckle me as I do everything, but then offer to get food afterwards because she is always hungry.
I would use Chips to gamble my life savings away in a casino so I had enough to just live in a mansion and buy new clothes and furniture. Fuck moving, I’ll bet it all on red on the roulette wheel!
I was a drama kid, and I feel very connected to Sally and that dude in the background. We stage people stick together, and she would show up no problem. And hopefully that other dude, who just shows up every now and again. Stage hands are good at carrying things!
I am not a rat. I cannot trust rats. Rats are disgusting, and he seems like a German Nazi rat. I don’t know about this guy, but if he builds a cool cat robot to help me, then by all means! Join in and help lift boxes from the truck to the living room. How would a cat do that? I have no clue, but he should be able to build the cat with thumbs, that would do the trick.
Pip and Dot
Two heads are better than one, and Pip and Dot seem cool. I like playing Dominoes, I don’t know if that is cool with them or like a war crime to their people, but I would get along with them enough to triple the workload. I also don’t know if they’re too small or not, I don’t have a sense of scale on their actual size but I need all the help I can get.
Mangosteen is an anthropomorphize magic 8-ball, so he can only bring me good luck, right? And he always has a smile on his face, so that’s encouraging, probably a good spirit to be around, bring you some energy after a hard day of moving. Moving always brings so much stress and anxiety, nobody enjoys it, so why not have Mangosteen around to chill with, you know?
Goopy Le Grande
Goopy would be immensely helpful, I think, because of his literal and figurative flexibility. Being able to help me plug in things behind furniture, growing big to carry boxes up stairs, it would be a dream to just knock everything out in one day and then grab food after. He obviously is a polite man, tipping his cap to start the fight in the game, and I feel guilty for killing him and then shooting his headstone, but Goopy is straight with me, he’s legit. A true homie through and through.
The Root Pack
I would just eat them for energy, so I can unpack faster and set up my new place.
I love this dude, and I wouldn’t even ask him to help me in any way, because I just want him around to make me happy. We can just play puzzle games all the live long day, and then he’d clap his cymbals together and I’d laugh, and it would be just a rather refreshing experience, overall, I feel, to have Mr. Chimes around for an afternoon.
Lollygagging about in my brand new apartment. Just me and my best pal, Mr. Chimes. That’s the dream, folks.
A Shot for Shot Breakdown of How Fucking Insane the Super Mario Odyssey Ending Is
I spent way too much time working on this ridiculous premise for an article, but it had to be done. It simply had. To be. Done.
First things first, let’s all watch this clip in the otherwise masterful Super Mario Odyssey and then I can break down why it is one of the most batshit insane things Nintendo has ever done. This cutscene was so impossibly stupid and crazy, that I had to talk about it and wonder out loud why more people are not talking about it.
This game is a master work, and it still somehow hampered by the laziest and most misogynist writing for children’s entertainment I’ve ever seen. Absorb this nonsense and then let’s dive in:
Okay, process that shitstorm, and just sit with it. Okay, now we can break it down part by part, added with commentary to make sense of the senseless trash that ends this wonderfully fun game. It’s mind boggling, but I spent an afternoon learning how to create many GIFs out of a YouTube video. The process has gotten easier over the years, but still, it was a lot of work for a gag.
So first off, you become Bowser in an earlier boss fight. You go to the moon, go through lava levels and stuff (which are not on the actual moon, but I’ll give that a pass). All without an oxygen helmet (less of a pass but okay, I’m still with this for now). The fight ends with you throwing the hat aka Cappy onto Bowser to become him, and fight your way out of danger with Peach to save her life. Again. But here is where things really get out of hand.
Bowser tries to marry Peach this whole game, and you and Peach are ready to be married right here and right now? What? Why haven’t you done that already you idiot, you saved her life a million times because Miyamoto can’t get his raging boner over cartoons from the ’30s. I’m surprised he didn’t steal blackface for these games but they really should have put an end to this troupe after Sunshine was about him getting arrested for graffiti. She was the star of her own game, and used her womanly emotions to fight off enemies! Jesus fucking Christ.
If you liked it you should have put a ring on it, but somehow here we are. Okay, so Mario shrugs after escaping the collapsing lava mountain or whatever. At this point things should just wrap up, a nice kiss, and a real wedding for this poor blonde woman. But no, that would be too easy.
Then their hat ghosts go to knock boots in a celestial dreamscape, sans their corporeal forms. As a symbol for Mario and Peach fucking? What the hell is this shit?
Mario, angry looking for some reason, after saving this helpless fool who I know for a fact isn’t, turns to her…
…the hats are waiting with baited breath making googly eyes…
…as he pimps walks up to her, doesn’t hear the gigantic and colossal dinosaur get up and run over to him????
He is a minimum of like 800 pounds, don’t tell me sound works in space and then use that as an excuse to mask his blindside shoulder hit Nintendo, that is garbage logic and you know it. So Bowser knocks his ass out, after being totally defeated and exhausted, and just finds the strength to wake back up. Yeah okay. Also we know that gravity is not normal, from like the gameplay and the jumping on the surface of the moon, but now it’s back to normal gravity? What gives? Did no one edit this before it went out to the public? Is there no editors or proofers or reviewers for stupidity in all of Japan? I know there are, hire them Nintendo, for the love of god.
Ok so Bowser, a gigantic monster who does nothing but kidnap royalty and race go-karts with strangers and enemies (the ones he made by being evil) PROPOSES with piranha plant flowers, just magically ready to go, like WHAT you already tried the plan of stealing her for marriage and now you try asking her politely? AFTER? You KIDNAPPED HER what the fuck is this shit, those are living flowers who EAT PEOPLE she isn’t going to choose you right then and there.
So Mario freaks out as if she is going to say yes, like what dude? Why are you panicking? Why are you not finishing the job and murdering this sick creep? He runs over to her and shows her a different flower, the rocket one, in an attempt to win her heart in this sad pathetic competition? What? Uhhhhhhhhhhhh excuse me, you stole his idea and gave her weak ass flowers, not that you needed to, because to remind you my dude you SAVED HER LIFE and chose to NOT MURDER Bowser, he is right there!!!! So they feverishly and fruitlessly compete for her love and affection, scaring the ever living shit out of her, and she isn’t making a decision right after all of that shit, that is traumatic. How she ended up with these two after all of these years is beyond me, she deserves better or is just so damaged she can’t quit either. But that’s another column about her well being. Does she do anything as Princess? Who is the Queen? What are her responsibilities?
Is she confused, did she think Bowser saved her because Mario controlled his body? Why is Mario having to do this, and why can’t she decide, this makes no sense at all, it’s so obvious. Their motivations are all wrong, and logic has clearly stopped being an issue decades ago in the Mushroom Kingdom.
Okay so she gets pissed and storms off, lady you could have died. But maybe it’s just too much all at once and too ridiculous, okay, so just thank Mario he is right there, and leave to talk about it. She says something to the ghosts, what does she say to the ghosts, I don’t know, moving on, she’s walking to the ship wait what. You’re just leaving? Them behind? Excuse me? What the fuck is that, you’re just going to bounce like that? That’s not your ship lady, who said you could go on the Mario ship, with his logo, after he RESCUED YOU.
So Mario consoles Bowser LIKE THEY ARE FRIENDS or some shit, are you shitting me? This isn’t Mario Kart Double Dash, you can’t just team up all of a sudden, the entire length of the game you fought each other IN TUXEDOS AND TAILCOATS.
She fucking leaves them behind! On the moon! What an ungrateful bitch! You stole the ship to leave them to die! She waves goodbye, like this isn’t her abandoning them, a betrayal of the highest order. And Mario has to leap and get to the ship, HIS OWN SHIP, in order to get off the moon with her. And so he ends the game by throwing his hat at the screen into a logo. That is the end of the game. Bounces off of Bowser’s head, who caught up to them by running? Isn’t he slower than Mario in every conceivable way?
WHAT THE FUCKING FUCK WAS THAT
WHAT IN THE FUCK
what was that nintendo
that is how you end that game? really
give us the ending from super mario world, that was a real ending
im not even going to give you the decency of proper punctuation or grammar or capitalization, fuck you nintendo writers and copy editors and storytellers and narrative designers
luigi won a mansion in a fake contest through the mail
bowser jr thought peach was his mother
birdo is a poor soul trapped in a corporeal body and deserves the true form free from the social construct of a gender spectrum
the supreme court is stolen and illegitimate
im losing my mind
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