Yesterday was a pretty big day for the Xbox brand — as was to be expected, of course. Since last year, we’ve known that this year’s E3 Press Conference for Microsoft would stand as the full reveal for their brand new console, initially called Project Scorpio. Dubbed the “most powerful console ever” by the company (and boy are they not afraid to reiterate that point), the Project Scorpio reveal was met with a great deal of curiosity. What could the console really do? How would it work? How much would it cost? And, most important of all things (in the history of mankind, really) — what would it be called?
During Sunday’s press conference, we got the answer to all of these questions. The console could do quite a bit in the technical department (six teraflops, 4K clarity, liquid cooling, etc), would work with a number of previous and upcoming games, and would come at a (debatable high) price point of $499. But what of the oh important name for the new console? Well, we got an answer to that too…the brand new console has been dubbed the “Xbox One X.”
Though not the worst title for a console (as long as “Wii U” exists, nothing else will ever take that crown again), it’s still not that great. It lacks rhythm, looks weird, and most crucial of all, is the most boring choice Microsoft could have possibly gone for when crafting a new console name. Then again, from the house that brought us “Xbox One” in the first place, that shouldn’t be much of a shock.
Still though, the lackluster response to the console’s new name got me thinking…if Xbox One X is such a bland title, what really could have been better? Well, I just happen to have 40 completely legitimate, totally serious suggestions that Microsoft should have taken when considering what to call their newest console beast. Feel free to contact me at anytime for further input, Mr. Phil Spencer. My line is always open.
1. Xbox ²
2. Xbox 4(K) — Ultra HD
3. Xbox All 4 One
4. Xbox 4 U Only
5. Xbox 499
6. Xbox Six Teraflops
7. Xbox Super Duper Graphics Pack
8. Xbox MPC (Most Powerful Console)
9. Xbox Gooder Graphics
10. Xbox X-Treme X-Periance
11. Xbox Code Red
12. Xbox Snap
13. Xbox Crackle
14. Xbox Pop
15. Xbox Oner
16. Xbox Onest
17. Xbox One Is The Loneliest Number
18. Xbox 358/2 Consoles
19. Xbox Cool
20. Xbox Hip
21. Xbox In Your Face
22. Xbox Poochie
23. Xbox Switch (Grandmas Can’t Tell!)
24. Xbox TBD
25. Xboooox Racer!
26. Xbox Ballistic: Ecks vs. Sever
27. Xbox v Casuals: Dawn of Terraflops
28. Xbox: Please Clap
30. Xbox Dreamcast
31. Xbox VR (Shh, don’t tell them!)
32. Xbox “Good God, We Should Have Bought Bioware When We Had The Chance”
33. Xbox “And Kept Bungie Too, While We Were At It”
34. Xbox “2nd Place Isn’t So Bad, When You Consider The Current State of the Marketplace”
35. Xbox “Look, Why Don’t You Try To Name A Console, Huh? With All the Marketing Executives And Content Strategists And Focus Groups And EVERYTHING FUCKING ELSE, It’s A Surprisingly Difficult Task. You Can’t Blame Us For Going With The ‘Meh’ Option!”
36. Xbox “We Tried Our Best Here, But Clearly That’s Not Enough. The PS4 Is Still Selling Like Hotcakes For Reasons We Can’t Begin To Fathom, And The Nintendo Switch Is Quickly Catching Up. We Are Deathly Afraid Of Being Left Behind And, To Be Honest, Afraid We Already Have Been”
37. Xbox “So That’s Why We Made This Damn Console, Because We Needed SOMETHING. After All, If We Don’t Have The Most Powerful Console On The Market…Then What Do We Have??”
38. Xbox There All is Aching
39. Xbox Pro
40. Xbox Scorpio
Also published on Medium.
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