Yesterday was a pretty big day for the Xbox brand — as was to be expected, of course. Since last year, we’ve known that this year’s E3 Press Conference for Microsoft would stand as the full reveal for their brand new console, initially called Project Scorpio. Dubbed the “most powerful console ever” by the company (and boy are they not afraid to reiterate that point), the Project Scorpio reveal was met with a great deal of curiosity. What could the console really do? How would it work? How much would it cost? And, most important of all things (in the history of mankind, really) — what would it be called?
During Sunday’s press conference, we got the answer to all of these questions. The console could do quite a bit in the technical department (six teraflops, 4K clarity, liquid cooling, etc), would work with a number of previous and upcoming games, and would come at a (debatable high) price point of $499. But what of the oh important name for the new console? Well, we got an answer to that too…the brand new console has been dubbed the “Xbox One X.”
Though not the worst title for a console (as long as “Wii U” exists, nothing else will ever take that crown again), it’s still not that great. It lacks rhythm, looks weird, and most crucial of all, is the most boring choice Microsoft could have possibly gone for when crafting a new console name. Then again, from the house that brought us “Xbox One” in the first place, that shouldn’t be much of a shock.
Still though, the lackluster response to the console’s new name got me thinking…if Xbox One X is such a bland title, what really could have been better? Well, I just happen to have 40 completely legitimate, totally serious suggestions that Microsoft should have taken when considering what to call their newest console beast. Feel free to contact me at anytime for further input, Mr. Phil Spencer. My line is always open.
1. Xbox ²
2. Xbox 4(K) — Ultra HD
3. Xbox All 4 One
4. Xbox 4 U Only
5. Xbox 499
6. Xbox Six Teraflops
7. Xbox Super Duper Graphics Pack
8. Xbox MPC (Most Powerful Console)
9. Xbox Gooder Graphics
10. Xbox X-Treme X-Periance
11. Xbox Code Red
12. Xbox Snap
13. Xbox Crackle
14. Xbox Pop
15. Xbox Oner
16. Xbox Onest
17. Xbox One Is The Loneliest Number
18. Xbox 358/2 Consoles
19. Xbox Cool
20. Xbox Hip
21. Xbox In Your Face
22. Xbox Poochie
23. Xbox Switch (Grandmas Can’t Tell!)
24. Xbox TBD
25. Xboooox Racer!
26. Xbox Ballistic: Ecks vs. Sever
27. Xbox v Casuals: Dawn of Terraflops
28. Xbox: Please Clap
30. Xbox Dreamcast
31. Xbox VR (Shh, don’t tell them!)
32. Xbox “Good God, We Should Have Bought Bioware When We Had The Chance”
33. Xbox “And Kept Bungie Too, While We Were At It”
34. Xbox “2nd Place Isn’t So Bad, When You Consider The Current State of the Marketplace”
35. Xbox “Look, Why Don’t You Try To Name A Console, Huh? With All the Marketing Executives And Content Strategists And Focus Groups And EVERYTHING FUCKING ELSE, It’s A Surprisingly Difficult Task. You Can’t Blame Us For Going With The ‘Meh’ Option!”
36. Xbox “We Tried Our Best Here, But Clearly That’s Not Enough. The PS4 Is Still Selling Like Hotcakes For Reasons We Can’t Begin To Fathom, And The Nintendo Switch Is Quickly Catching Up. We Are Deathly Afraid Of Being Left Behind And, To Be Honest, Afraid We Already Have Been”
37. Xbox “So That’s Why We Made This Damn Console, Because We Needed SOMETHING. After All, If We Don’t Have The Most Powerful Console On The Market…Then What Do We Have??”
38. Xbox There All is Aching
39. Xbox Pro
40. Xbox Scorpio
Also published on Medium.
The 25 Best Exploding Barrels in Video Game History, Ranked
Nothing is better in a video game than the flammable containers that go BOOM.
I’ve been doing these joke/comedy rankings for quite some time now; they’re trendy, easy to make, easy to read, and easy to turn the structure on its ear if need be. But most of the time I’m just injecting total satire and randomness into these arbitrary rankings, to make a point or to make a joke. This time, however, I did a ton of research and have scientifically come up with the definitive list of the best exploding barrels in video game history. There is no criteria, just total facts and nothing subjective. The barrels don’t even have to be red, or traditionally shaped, but it helps. As long as they explode and are generally barrels containing flammable contents, that counts. There were some games I cut because I couldn’t find an image or footage to support my case, but if that proof doesn’t exist is it really worth adding to this list?
The boxes from Crash Bandicoot do not count, they are crates, do not tell me they should go on this list on my Twitter.
DEAD LAST is Superman 64 aka whatever the hell this is
25. Trials endings when you explode sometimes
24. The Binding of Isaac
23. Sly 2
20. Area 51
19. Left 4 Dead
18. Call of Duty: Modern Warfare 2
17. Crysis Physics
16. Borderlands 2
15. Quake II
14. Hydro Thunder: Gauntlet Race
12. The Legend of Zelda: Breath of the Wild
11. Halo 2 and Halo 3
10. Far Cry 3
8. Red Faction: Guerilla
7. Donkey Kong Country (the living kind and the ones you throw both count)
6. Resident Evil 4
4. Any Worms game, 2D or 3D
3. Just Cause 2 and 3
2. Half-Life 2 (especially when you use the gravity gun in Ravenholm)
1. Literally Any Doom
The Greatest Quotes in Video Game History, Ranked by How Much Fun They Are to Say Out Loud
This is more about volume than how good the actual quotes are.
I have been slowly working on this for months, and had to really whittle this thing down, for a number of reasons. Not everything I wanted to list was on YouTube or Google Images. I also don’t really count song lyrics, or quotes from movies and TV shows (like The Simpsons) in any game based on other media. I also didn’t know how to format this insane idea, so you’re just going to have to walk with me on the road to crazy town, and enjoy the best and dumbest lines ever uttered or written in video game history. If I forgot anything, or snubbed something, just know that I probably tried to include it, gave up, and then didn’t in order to publish this before North Korea nukes us all before the end of the year. Enjoy!
The ‘Written But Not Spoken’ Silent Tier:
The ‘Quieter, More Famous Quotes’ Tier:
The ‘Louder, Sillier, More Goofy and Infamous Lines’ Tier :
The ‘Awesome to Imitate with Friends and Have a Laugh About’ Really Loud Tier:
The ‘Scream At The Top of Your Lungs, All Caps, Best’ God Tier Quotes :
Level Design Hall of Fame: Super Meat Boy
Just in time for the sequel to get delayed to make this not timely at all.
I thought this video was made months ago as of this posting, and could still be watched and enjoyed forever, I felt compelled to post this because of the excitement I have over the announcement of Super Meat Boy Forever. Even though the game doesn’t have the sprint button anymore, and the levels are randomly generated, and Edmund McMillen left Team Meat…okay there is a very good chance the original Super Meat Boy remains the superior example of level design. So here it is being inducted into the Level Design Hall of Fame.
If you are so inclined, the link for my channel (where you can find other videos in the series) is here. And you can follow me on Twitter here.
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