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E3 2017 Report Card

I will try my best to not give the entire show an F.

I’m on vacation right now, I don’t feel like doing an introduction. You know exactly what kind of article this is, the title says it all. I’m sure you’ve read a million of these already, maybe even written your own, and we’ve all come to a conclusion on the best and worst of E3. The middle might be different based on several factors but honestly who cares. There is no criteria, just read whatever I wrote and go on with your day. Thank you.

PC Gaming Show gets an F

Stop doing press conferences.

EA gets a D-

Stop doing press conferences. You clearly don’t want to do them, you feel obligated to, so just don’t. Nobody is forcing you to. Stream your big fall shooter elsewhere, or don’t bother otherwise. Really, this isn’t an eSports tournament, this is E3. We don’t know what the fuck you’re talking about when you shout-cast a game nobody has played yet. You ruined the Anthem reveal at Microsoft (it looks cool), and outside of A Way Out (also looks cool) you had a waste of a show and should just stop wasting money entirely. Do an EA direct and don’t bring out Andrew Wilson out on stage in a shiny suit any longer. Where the fuck was Amy Henning’s game? Burnout? Skate 4? You’re trash EA.

Bethesda gets a C+

Stop doing press conferences. If you don’t have anything gigantic to announce, i.e. a Fallout or Elder Scrolls, then stay home. Don’t make an audience, both online and in person, sit and watch that 40 minute trailer. It was useless. These were all press releases, and the two “genuine” surprises were not surprising at all because they leaked ahead of time. Like Dishonored 2. You clearly felt the need to keep doing these things, and didn’t have the line-up to do so. Sound familiar? This trend is harrowing, because either these companies are going through the motions at this point, honestly don’t have enough to show, or are intentionally hiding stuff back to make the whole year feel “special”. Go to hell Bethesda. And while you’re at it, fix your review policy because it backfired on Prey whereas it got lucky with Doom. Let Todd Howard break free from his rusty cage, damnit.

Microsoft gets a B-, deserves worse

You stupid idiots. You stupid fucking idiots. You had the perfect opportunity and you blew it. Did you watch that Sony show? It was basically a repeat of last year! They didn’t show anything new! You had the CHANCE to get back in the game, and you blew it. Now Sony is going to flex its muscles all year, cutting the price on their consoles, showing off the awesome games they decided to hold off on at E3 as they dominate Gamescom and Playstation Experience and you’ll have what. What? I’m so ticked off, you have no idea. I own both an Xbox One and PS4 and I love the rivalry, and as much as I adore the flubs Jim Ryan of Sony, and the easy home runs Microsoft hit off those softballs, the show wasn’t enough. It was a very good show, very solid, but not what you needed to do. The Xbox One X is fine, the name is fine, the price is fine. Not spectacular. Sea of Thieves looks sick, Forza 7 looks sick, Crackdown 3…we’ll see. They were not firework explosions. Anthem and Shadow of War and AC Origins all seem like safe bets and will be worthy of buying if you’re into those things. Not a single one is an exclusive. Cuphead got a release date, thank goodness, Ori 2 is real thank goodness, and PlayerUnknown’s Battlegrounds (which I correctly predicted) is coming as well thank GOODNESS. They will show up on other consoles eventually. This was the time for a knockout punch when Sony seemed on the ropes, and you just jabbed them and then walked away. Failing Microsoft. Sad!

Sony gets a B, deserves worse

You fucking idiots. Y’all real fucking lucky Microsoft didn’t land the uppercut because you can tell Layden was either not committing the big guns to E3 because he didn’t need to, or The Last of Us Part 2 and Death Stranding and Sucker Punch’s new game are just not ready to show. But while that makes their E3 showing the worst one in years, it doesn’t sink them whatsoever. Buy a PS4 and play Horizon or Nioh and have a great time. God of War, sign me up. Detroit? Sure I guess. Spider-man? It is probably a lot of people’s Game of the Show. Uncharted with Chloe? As Rick James once said: “give it to me, baby”. Shadow of the Colossus with better controls? Fuck yeah. Still not sold on Days Gone, and other than that there wasn’t anything of note. It really was a repeat of last year, which is why I’m so lukewarm on Sony this year. But those few games are very impressive, but there was no mind blowing announcements, which is the fucking point of E3, and Sony knew that because they demonstrated it ever since 2013. They’re the kings of reveals, and just didn’t want to waste their ammo this year, which is lame but understandable.

Ubisoft gets an A-

NOW we get to the good stuff, which there is not enough of this year. Ubisoft knew how to put on a conference, and oddly not having a host really helped. They cut down on the amount of AC Origins because they already showed that at Microsoft (see EA? That’s how you do it). They opened the show with Miyamoto making gifs and memes, and that Kingdom Battle game looks nuts, what a fever dream. That should not be real, someone at Ubisoft came up with that playing Mad Libs. South Park got 2 games, which both look very good, there were no Tom Clancy games or Splinter Cell reboot, but that didn’t really hamper anything. Just Dance was very short this year, and had some really hot singer there so I didn’t take a bathroom break, and they ended the show with Far Cry 5 (I’m hype beyond words) and possibly the moment of the show with Michel Ancel crying at BG&E2. What a fucking reveal, what a trailer, what a moment. Ubisoft, that is how you do E3, lead by example and show these other fuckers how to do it right!

Nintendo gets an A, and the title of best show at E3, somehow

I cannot believe they won. They get a flat A, begrudgingly, but the company with the lowest expectations, and the shortest number of games and time spent showing said games, only brought the best. The absolute best. Stunning how short and sweet and simple it all was. Show a video, no fat, all big shit, the best surprises, and then BAM a trailer for Super Mario Odyssey that goes straight into the Treehouse stream for more gameplay. And let me be clear: the moment of E3 might have been Beyond Good and Evil 2, but THEY HAD TWO METROID GAMES. TWO. One was 3D and one was 2D! Are you kidding me? The one-two punch of present and future with Metroid Prime 4 and Cappy the hat on a taxi and a dinosaur, that was just too much to handle. I do not remember the last time my jaw literally dropped watching a trailer, for a game I have already seen! Incredible, Odyssey is my Game of the Show, the Best of E3, and Nintendo just crushed it. I have to buy a Switch now, god fucking damnit Nintendo I don’t have the time or money for this shit, I hate you. Fuck, that game looks so good though.

The bait and switch on this trailer is astonishing, and needs to win an award.

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